Less is NOT More: Dating who you Want

In a previous post about Mr. Disclaimer I started spouting about the Less Than Man. And I've done a lot of thinking about the Less Than Man; or Woman to suit your purposes. And with Hot Single Dad emerging as a part of my life with details to follow our possible Movie Date at mi casa on Friday, I've done even more thinking on the subject.

What is the Less Than Man, you ask? He's (or she's) the guy you settle for because he's got most but not all the qualities you're looking for in a dating partner. They meet some but not all of your likes or wants in the person you share your life with and so you compromise beyond reason to not be alone. How many of you can admit to doing this? I know, I have. I am guilty of it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

See these posts...here and here and here for some insight into the chaos that has been the existence of me.

And so I've been chattering a bit with my close BFF's and the Men in my life who've never entered the realm of dating Me to ask the questions why so many of us settle?

The saddest story sounded like something from the movie version of the great book, He's Just Not that Into You. A good friend of mine admitted he married his now almost ex-wife because they'd been dating for so long he felt he owed it to her. While there was no ultimatum involved he confessed he couldn't just leave her alone. (OMG!! Really?!?) And so now after 6 years of marriage they've both been carrying on relationships with other people for various amounts of time AND she's preggers with someones kiddo. Because of a court order we'll find out in 6 months just who's it is...the Lover in New York or the soon-to-be-Ex-Hubby in Huntington Beach, Cali.

Settling can wreck your life. It can create a relationship based on lies and half-truths. Yes, you might care about that person but does it make it right?

At some point in my life with the Bio, I knew that we weren't right. There was something missing from our equation. I've known it with Mr. San Diego (who I've not written about yet but it's years ago) when he admitted he couldn't imagine changing certain parts of his life. And why would I ask him to? I mean for me? WHY?!?!?

So this Less than Man...yeah him again. He's the guy you look at during convo about his day and wonder 'when's he gonna ask me about mine' and it never happens. He's the guy who lets you 'do you thing' only because he doesn't want to have to go to the wine bar since we all know real men only drink beers. This guy is the guy you look at in the morning and wonder for just a minute how he got there. He's the dude who conveniently forgets important dates and then makes you feel like crap for not reminding. Just when you least expect it he has moments of glory that make you think he's going to change...then, NOPE not so much. He takes all shapes and forms. Ultimately, he's the guy who I've dated that will make the time pass a little quicker because I'm not alone. He's just a smidge too short or he's just a smidge to liberal or he's just a smidge wrong for Me. If as a woman (or man) there are deal breakers no matter how minor they are then we need to stick to our guns and be okay with being on the path to Love alone until we find someone who fits the Order. Now, not that I'm certain Mr. Perfect exists because I know that he doesn't. I'm sure that's what I've learned from this last few months of dating and the interesting variety of men that have come my way. I'm okay with being alone and I kinda like it. Not that I don't have my moments of yearning for someone to cuddle with by the fire on the Monkey-less nights, but I'm good with knowing that I won't settle for a Less Than Man.

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Now to the HSD stuff...we're planning on having a 'Movie Date' on Friday at my house. I've got the Monkey so we've discussed the need for a PG rating on the whole evening and that if after we 'talk' and sort things out we decide to keep moving forward then we'll work out a more Adult Evening soon.

Now how does this play into the Less Than Man? Well here's the deal. HSD was the first guy in my dating life to plan something for Me. I know it went horribly wrong and massively exploded in our faces but he tried. This guy shared a side of me that not even the Bio in our 20 years of knowing each has shown me. The only settling I was doing in that relationship was not being able to just jump into the way we wanted because we both have kiddos to think about. He took me places where his family would be and didn't even flinch when people told him 'your girl's awesome', he just agreed and nodded. He told me things like his days were better when I was around...even when it was twenty minutes for a cup of coffee. SOOO, why did it end you ask? It was truly a compound fracture of things and thoughts and sadness. I yelled and hit the road. Was it he best reaction given the convo's we'd had about everything that was really at the Core of our lives. We are single parents. We are parents. We really dig each other.

Now here we are. And I don't see him as a Less Than Man even with all the stuff in between. Drama aside he's different still. The Drama can't define us as individuals or even as a couple. I've learned a lot in therapy. (Praise the Therapy Gods) And I've possibly got a second chance at this with someone who managed to fall into my Life in the midst of this tragedy that is on-line dating.

We'll see what tomorrow night brings...

On my Day with Daddy we went to...

...the Gym apparently.

The Monkey has new visitation with his Bio as of a several weeks ago and we just started overnights every other Sunday...so far the nights are fine...it's the day after that makes me cringe and often cry.

Yesterday the Monkey asked me if we could get ready to do exercises...I was sort of baffled since I'm not really the let's go do exercises kind of Mommy. After a few requests to go, I had to ask...'Monkey when do you go do exercises?'...the answer...'Daddy takes me to the exercise store'.

At first I laughed it off and thought no big deal. How he chooses to spend his time with his child is not my business. It's his time. So a few moments later before bedtime I started thinking about the single Dad's in my life and the conversations we've had about time and how precious it is. One of my co-workers (still need a good tag name for him) and fellow single parents and I have chatted about this very topic.

Then enter my new dating guy HSD and his visitation views. He has his son (4 yr. old next week) from Thursday night to Monday morning every other weekend. As we chatted about when we'd get to see each other next I said something about letting me know when he was available...knowing full well he was with kiddo this weekend. I adored his response...'I'm booked until Monday, but maybe we could meet at the park'. Okay so here's how the rest went...he feels that every moment he gets with his son is awesome and he needs to dedicate more time to him than to anything else (Me) and he just hopes I understand.

Do I understand? HELLS YEA!!!

As a single Mama who has spent more time ditching guys and/or being ditched by them because this is the stand I take on my son, I completely love this side of him. (not like LOVE but you know appreciate). I adore when a man with children (married or single) knows how good he has it to have them in his life and appreciates that gift. So I drift to thoughts of the Bio and how the Monkey explains his day with his Bio and it makes me flame up...but again nada I can do about it.

So, I'm wondering fellow Single Mama's and Papa's...how do you keep the flames out of your noggin when your kiddo comes back a whole different animal?

...the Single Married Mama...

My head wraps around this topic like a wet towel...it makes me feel soggy and sad. This last weekend I attempted to make friends at the Monkey's Saturday a.m. Tae Kwon Do class. Very few Papa's show up for this early morning excursion (not even the Bio came this time) and I found myself sitting next to the one Mama who clapped and cheered for her kiddo...I do it like a spazz.



Exchanging the details of our kiddos...age, rank and serial number...we started chatting. About 3-Year olds, early Saturdays and living in the SCV. Then she asked where his Dad was...since he came last time. And so the beginning of the Single Mama divulge session began. In about ten seconds, I was able to apprise her of the whole dirty story in two short sentences...'Not sure. We aren't together.' Then came the knowing glance, not sympathy or the 'OH' Look I sometimes get, but more along the lines of 'I feel ya sister'.


Then she said it...'Even with a husband I feel like a Single Mom'. Jeepers. A can of worms I opened. She asked me questions...

• When did you leave?
• Why did you leave?
• How did you feel?
• Has it impacted your Monkey?
• What would you change?
• How did you make it through?

As overwhelming as it was, I saw in her eyes the wildness I felt in my heart when I was still with the Bio. I could hear the wheels in her head turning and it made me want to hug her and say outloud, 'YOU will be OKAY'. So I did. I told her 'It will be okay' and 'I am here if you need someone to talk'. Words no one said to me in the depths of my confusion and despair.

Not every relationship that experiences strangely timed hiatus periods ends in divorce. There are people I know have fought tooth and nail to keep their marriages/relationships together. Bloody knuckles and all I finally couldn't do it anymore. I tried. I held on tight until the last thread in our relationship rope was dwindled to nothing. This is not new. Mama's (and Papa's) have been living this for decades...fighting the good fight until no one is left standing.

I wonder...How many people find themselves being that person in a marriage (or non-marriage)? Being the Single Parent until actually being a Single Parent is what makes more sense.

Thoughts? Experience?