...as needed.

My life is going through a distinct amount of changes...

1. I need to find a place to live.
2. My job stress has increased
3. New relationship with wicked cool Man
4. Terrible 3's are in FULL effect
5. My Mom is finally asking for help and admitting her health isn't great
6. My Dad is having to see that he can't save us all.

There is so much more, but it's all so dwarfed in comparison to the BIG changes above. I'm learning slowly how to deal with my life and my ability to live it for me and my son but, also I'm coming to grips with the feelings I can have for another person.

Being a single parent is hard. Co-parenting is even harder. Now that I really do need to find an apartment I'm realizing how much I have depended on my parents even to this day to be my Rock and the unwavering center of my universe. They've always made it look easy. Even when they fought it seemed normal and cute and kind of fun. But now they are in need of a life of their own. Time to share and love each other and I see that now that my Dad has admitted he can't always be the one to save Us. And I understand. I love and respect my Dad and have even been proud to be a 'Daddy's Girl' but I adore him even more for being able to tell me that he can't right now be that person for me.

I'm pretty sure the Bio knows I'm moving. My house had a for sale sign in front of it for about a day until we got an offer that is sort of pending. I hate the thought of telling him and admitting that I'm going to be struggling for a while. I don't know how to do this. I don't know because the only time I've lived 'alone' was in college and that was not for long. I always had roommates or the Bio and he took care of the little things. Things I've taken for granted. Stuff I knew was going to come eventually but I've been so busy hiding from them that I didn't stop and think about how it would be.

All this combined with my Monkey finding his 'No' all over again. I wonder how this move will affect him and how We will get through this whole change. I've always been honest with him about change. I tell him the truth about everything. Even when the Bio thinks I give him too much information. How can there bee TOO much information? Kids are smart and the Monkey knows things. I give him the credit he is due. Even at 3 years old he deserves to understand and be in the loop...Hell its our Loop!

And this piece that kills me the most...my Mommy has been so good at hiding her not feeling good. She's been diagnosed with High Blood pressure and given meds to hold off the tide. My Mom is a fighter and I knew something was wrong but she's so good at keeping herself closed off and private. We share a home. She takes care of my kiddo when I'm at work and she's the only person in my life whose always been there for me. Highs and lows. She's always there. It makes me think of my grandmother who died of complications from kidney failure after 5 years of dialysis thanks to Blood pressure and Cholesterol meds...I worry about that being My Mom. The pain, the grief and the sadness...I can't let that happen to her. I won't. I will do what it takes. I will be here for her.

My Mom has been my biggest cheering section in this new relationship with HSD. She has seen me at my lowest and at my most sad. She's cleaned up after me when I've made messes to big to handle and she's been the one person who has always told me 'love is never easy'. When I started seeing HSD she was happier for me than she's ever been and she's never met him...well not yet anyway. I think the hardest part of this new relationship is that we both see it being further than it is but have found ourselves holding back because of our boys. He's not anxious to be in just any relationship but to share his life with someone and so far so good. With my need to move we've both had the same thoughts about sharing space but we know it's not yet the time for that kind of movement. And yet I can see it clear as a bell when I close my eyes and he's near...I can hear, feel and smell what it would be like. Crap even last night all I wanted as to feel him next to me and have that hand on my back searching for me in the dark.

There is a beauty about change that I have never been good about embracing...but it's coming and I hope (and pray...eek) that I can manage to trudge through it with a smile and the words to ask for help as needed.

The Dad Battle: Daddy's versus Father's...who are you?

As a little girl I always felt like the only person who mattered in the world was me...okay until my sister came along...but, for my parents there was nothing more important than their girls. My Dad was one of those parents who brought home special treats for dessert and cool trinkets from his travels. We were Daddy's Girls and I always thought I was so lucky to have such a wicked cool Dad. He's listen to music with us and dance around the room like a fool to whatever was on the record player, because he loved us and would do anything to see his girls smile. With all his own dysfunctional history of being raised by former military and a Midwestern school teacher my Dad never batted an eye at affection.

This kind of love is what I measure the men in my life against. The kind of Man I want to raise my children. I should've known from the first conversation (argument I should say) the Bio and I had about raising kids that this was not the kind of Man I wanted to have a child with and yet I did. Love or at least the desperation of wanting to make love last makes you see things in a distorted picturesque view.

In my last post I mentioned the idea of being a 'Daddy' versus just being a 'Father'. This is a huge topic of meaning for me as the mother of a little boy and also as the little girl of an amazing 'Daddy'.

When I was about 9 years old my half-sister magically appeared out of nowhere and came to live with us when her Mother died tragically. The short version, her parents had divorced before my Dad even knew she existed...and it was my fault. Our five year age difference made no sense to her and the fact that I was so in love with this Big Sis of mine made no sense to her already warped sensibility. Our Dad loved us all but it was not to be. Our new family fell apart and soon after my half sister went AWOL and I have no clue where she is...to this day I wish she and I could mend fences and be sisters. At least for our kids.

When I was 15, I caught my Dad crying...my Dad has one of those you don't cry in front of people attitudes and I've seen him cry all of four or five times now in my life. It was my nieces birthday and mine was coming up...I'd be 16 and she would've been 5. At that moment I didn't tell him I saw him crying, instead I told my Mom how guilty I felt for ruining my Dad's life. If it wasn't for me maybe she would still have her family. That's when my Mom told me the whole story...the divorce, how my Mom and Dad met WAY after and how on the day I came home from the hospital post-birth my Dad thanked my Mom for giving him the chance to be a real 'Daddy'. I cry every time I think about how my Dad was never given a chance to really love his first child or his first grandchild for that matter. He left for his own reasons, but his wife and the mother of his first child would not let him participate in her life and that kills me to think of the pain it caused both of them.

On my 22nd Birthday, my Dad almost died of bleeding ulcers and I told him I was sorry for everything...and he told me he was not.

Today I struggle with that desire for my son's Bio to be a Daddy just like mine...but I know he's not. He's madly in love with our son but he's not that kind of Man. Many of our battles are because he's just not that Man. He's strict and careful and has expectations that are often ridiculous of a 3-year old. But they deserve to know each other and I will always want that for them. Maybe someday he'll be comfortable in his skin enough to just be a Daddy. And yet I thank G*d that my Dad is here and present for my son daily because just like he was that Man who was my Daddy, he is that kind of Grandpa. He is the kind of Grandpa that brings so much joy to my little boy that I can't imagine what my life would be like without him in our lives.

Every kiddo deserves more than just a father...they deserve a Daddy too.

Why does your kid scream all the time?

Very recently, I have become fed up with the posts on one of my very favorite Mama site. I have never claimed to be a full on Attachment Parent, nor do I claim to understand Babywise by any stretch of the imagination. I don't understand the method that includes my child or any other child crying to accomplish something.

When my now almost 3 year old Monkey was a baby I wore him, Breastfed on demand, co-slept sort of in our own variation that worked for my little dude and even read a bunch of books on the topic, but took what I needed and left the rest. My plan as a new Mommy was to show him do it on his own. That is until I saw and held my 8.5-week early preemie in the NICU for the first time 3 days after his birth...with that little body in my arms, I knew that it was my job to help him through it. To be there...so I found sites that inspired me and helped me feel less like a newbie with hippie tendencies.

But, this last few weeks I have felt like an outsider on these sites and read things that discourage me from even putting a word in the response section.

Synopsis' of the most aggravating requests...

1. My child suddenly screams in the middle of the night for no reason. But, when I gave him Motrin he was promptly asleep in a hour and slept for six hours. Should a 14 month old be able to sleep through the night without screaming?

2. My child refuses to sit still at restaurants. 22 months old and she used to sit there and just play, but now she screams until I let her have what is on my plate or put her in my lap. How can we enjoy a meal like this? Should I just leave her at home?

3. My 3 YO can't be taken anywhere. He will break things and scream bloody murder if I tell him 'NO'. He doesn't understand that this isn't okay. Sometimes he will just scream until I give him what he wants. I don't want to always give in.


Okay, so these three stories from various age groups all made me want to yank out my hair with anger. They all have one thing in common...a screaming child. And, not just a screaming child, but a parent who is not seeing the big picture.

Your child is trying to tell you something and the screaming is a direct result of an inability to either communicate it through words or actions or you just aren't listening and they can't help but snap. My son has done it. I've done it. I have sat down on the floor in the middle of the room when I just don't know what to do and cried. It's natural to come to the end of your rope and not know what to do...but, for babies, toddlers and kids what can they do if their guides in life can't stop and hear them? Well, let's go for the loudest most distracting thing!

I WILL SCREAM UNTIL YOU HELP ME!!!

I even talked about this in therapy. I brought up how to handle tantrums and how to deal with people around me who think that how I handle them is just silly. My therapist giggled a bit, and told me that tantrums are normal and its how we as adults that teaches our kids how to identify their emotions and what they are...I love the way she puts things. She's genius.

So I thought about responding to these posts and then I read the responses from some of the other Mommy Posters and I cringed at some and then I laughed at others...and I took a deep breath and wrote my patented response about looking into your child's eyes and telling them in a quiet hush voice that if you scream Mommy can't help you and if you're out in public pick them up and walk straight to the car. If your child wakes screaming in the middle of the night comfort them and meet their needs. Show your child unconditional love. And for the lovely lady who was so worried about eating out, I wrote my recipe for eating our prep which so many find to be too much work for something that should be simple.

I'm not sure what kind of category I fit into as a parent. I'm not sure there is a category for my style, and if there is than I would be proud to be there.

• I cuddle my son when he wakes up at night with a bad dream.
• I let him sleep in my bed when he wants to.
• I don't make him sit at the dinner table until his meal is gone or else he gets nothing until the next day.
• I kiss his boo-boos and I let him eat sweets.
• I sleep sitting up with him while he's sick and can't sleep laying down.
• I hold his hand while we hike
• I tell him it's okay to cry if you are sad
• I make sure he knows it's okay to be mad at me and tell me so.

I don't know where I fit into the world of parenting styles, but I do know that I wish I could take the time to help parents who haven't found their groove and give them a hug and tell them it's okay to not know. It's okay to be scared and it's okay to just hug your child.

I don't know maybe I am a hippy like my Dad or maybe I'm just the right blend of hippy and conservative strict Catholic Mama that raised me...all I know for sure is I'm learning and loving it.

Inspired by YOU

I have been doing this on my own for what feels like my WHOLE life...but, I am not alone. I have my family and friends and the most amazing new outlet of on-line Mamas who have inspired me to share my life and get it off my chest.

I have isolated myself from my married friends and let go of friends who stuck their heads in the sand and didn't show me the courtesy of honesty and respect. Is it wrong? Maybe I got here on my own, but I didn't know what other road to take. The little person that I love with all my heart was the only thing that I could see. My Monkey was the only thing that made sense to me after his Dad and I split...oh, and my best friend admonished me for even thinking about being a single parent.

As I move towards the Monkey's 3rd Birthday in July, I'm faced with an never ending custody battle, an emotionally draining daily lack of communication with the Bio and the desire to get out there and be a 'girlie' again. But, I feel the consistent disappointment with those attempts to open the door and move through it.

I let one person in over the last year and in my opinion he failed me. He walked away without regard for the feelings involved and still to this day, I don't understand how people in relationships function. How is it supposed to work? Again, I blame it on my own ability to just 'keep the peace' and not 'rock the boat'.

When will I stop being NATO and just start doing something about the things I desire!?!? Bleh.

I have grieved, I have almost fallen in love again and I have started therapy (4 months ago) and I feel like I am no closer to understanding the how & why of being this woman than I was 6 years ago when I ran into the Bio outside a Pool Haul after 7 years of solid detachment (bad Mommy).

Ugh, this makes me feel like I need to go into depth of how the Bio and I came to be and how we came to end...but, I think that's a whole other post and a whole other post-traumatic meeting stress venting session.

I love being the Monkey's Mommy...it's the only thing I feel I can do without complete insecurity. It's the only time in my day that I feel like I'm accomplishing something profound in this world.

For now, I guess I have to make more notes for therapy and detach yet again.