the Running Monkey

Yesterday was a doozy! Just as I was settling into my workday routine with my work familia and beginning my workplace morning visit with Mr. BBG and Rachel Stoll about how ridiculous things can be sometimes, I got the dreaded call. The Preschool call. You know whenever the Preschool calls it's never good. I mean if it's not the 'Hey your kid scratched the crap out of Jimmy's face' or 'The Monkey has jumped off the slide again and might need stitches this time'. Okay so yesterday when I got the call from the preschool, I didn't expect to hear the words, 'the Monkey just vomited'. And being my kid it's not like he vomited on the ground or in the play area outside, oh no he did it on the snack table. However, it was right before snack so at least no food was ruined. Right? Hello, major upside.

When I got to the school the kiddo was a limp scrunchy version of himself. Everyone at the school knew he was sick. The Monkey is one of those kids. He talks. He chatters. He will gab your ears off if you let him. My baby had nothing to say about anything. I think the most I got out of him was a whimper.

I know, I know. I never write about Mommy-ness (but I think I'm gonna). But this has got me thinking about my current state of affairs or lack there of for that matter. This little person is the whole of my world. Mostly, I've measure the men who come into my life by how they would interact with not just me but also how they might interact with my Monkey. Yuppers, I do that. I sit across the table from a guy and usually on the first date and picture this person at the park with my kiddo. Creepy because 10 years ago I would have been picturing something totally different happening at the park and there would've been no Monkey involved. But the reality of my life is that there is a Monkey and I wouldn't change that for a thousand more 1st Dates. In fact I love my life. This kid who puked on every single towel and couldn't keep a thing down to save Mr. Blue Clownfishes life yesterday is my Everything. Is that fair to the next Mister? Probably not. It's probably the Kiss of Death to anyone who enters into this Mama's life.

But like my good friends Mr. Charles has always told me, 'the one will stand in line for all the Monkeys in my life and be glad to do it'.

As I finish up the last loads of puke-filled towels and sheets, I can't help but smile at the lot that is my life. I know I'll date again so don't despair fellow daters! However at this point there's a road I need to travel with the little Monkey Man.

xoxo.

the Mama & the Body Art

I'm taking a leap. Doing things I don't normally do. Actually thinking about me first and foremost, and not working through the harmful thought process that involves putting others first before me. And it feels good. Truly it's like I've opened a door on something and me thinks my Therapist is going to Poo a Golden Brick when I see her next time. The tough part is really taking me by the Horns and just doing what I feel, aka Going with the Gut. I'm a friggin' Libra so everything I've ever done has been about weighing my options. For example...Does A  make more sense than B? And what does B really have that A doesn't have? This can often take the fun out of most decisions, but since my early adulthood was filled with too many choices that were not thought through I embraced this thinking after meeting the Bio and it stuck.I was the planner. In our relationship I was the Voice of Reason. I was always put on the Back burner. (inserting Boo-ing here).

So I credit this new Go with the Gut with my choice to get my first Tattoo. Once upon a time I was a Pierced Maven of Punk Rock and that was perfect for the time and the angst I was putting myself through. However, I could never pick a Tat that exemplified Me. Or that really meant a damn thing and that's what I always searched out in the possibility of getting one. But for some reason nothing ever felt right. In my family, there are many folks with a variety of Tattoo artwork and each of them has a story or a reason or something compelling that made that piece of work stand out. So that's what I was waiting for with my choice. Hell even one of my former BF's was married to a very talented artist and even offered me free work if I could just pick one! But alas I could not.

Why now? Well for starters I am inspired. I have this deep feeling that compels me to get this work done now. My Tio passed away almost a month ago. He was a connoisseur of Tattoo Art. He sought out legendary artists to do his work. He loved it. It was a passion of his. Before he passed and while my Mom was undergoing surgery for the now gone Tumor, we had a long talk about artwork. He asked me when I was going to get one and if I had thought about who I'd go to...at that point I still had nothing compelling me to do it. So we joked and laughed about it and he told me that 'One way or another, I'm going to get a Tat on you'. Two weeks later he was gone. Two weeks later my sister and I looked at each other, our eyes filled with tears and I said 'It's time now'. And she knew what I meant. It's time for me to get my first Tattoo.

I'm not getting one of those crosses or anything that say En Memoria, because that's not Me. I'm not getting his name anywhere on my body. I've thought this through and my sister drew it up for us. Together we are going to get a piece of artwork that symbolizes the bond between two nieces and a Tio who taught me the value of Family. It will be beautiful...

..stay tuned.

the Cowboy & the Mama

In the past weekish, I've had a few Dudes from my past make reappearances. Mr. S, Mr. San Diego and the Cowboy all have peaked there head back into my life just at the moment when I was feeling some hopeless angsty-ness over this whole on-line dating thing. I've been waddling through this whole patch of losers and not-so-loser-y gathering of Men and sort of teetering on giving up for now. (I do this like once a month btw) It just seems exhausting and like I don't have the gusto for this kind of thing.

Each of the Oldies had a huge impact on my life during our screen time together in way or another. Each one contributed to the Me I am today in some way, but only way has remained outta my life for giant chunks of time and hasn't really demanded much of Me. There were a couple random run-ins after our final break-up and he's always been one of those guys I was kinda fond of when looking back at our time together. Enter the Cowboy.

Once upon a time, I was young and silly and dated random guys just because they had interesting features. I don't just mean physical but you know things about them that I just couldn't help but find undeniably adorable. With the Cowboy it was for sure his absolutely adorable ability to jump in and out of that sexy Southern Drawl. For certain it happened when he was a few drinks past legal and every once in a while when we were, well you know. Our first meeting was at a bar (4100 Bar). I never got hit on and was with one of my more gorgeous friend's who I would hit on if only I were a Man. When the Cowboy took the stool next to mine I was sort of impressed with myself. He was Hot. He was from Texas...duh, hence the nickname. He was adorable. He followed me to a bar I used to close my nights at during my early 20's on our first meeting and we made out by the payphone in the back by the potties. (the Dresden: FYI not cause of Swingers) Our first real date was awesome. There was sushi. There were shots. There was dancing on chairs. There was a walk down Franklin Avenue. And the best part...watching a fiesta at an infamous porn stars penthouse apartment until the wee hours. Oh and there was hot steaminess as the Sun came up to greet Day 2 of our first official date. From that night on there was six or seven months of it. It ended because I was 7 years younger and he was looking for something else. I was too young. I was not yet the jaded and pessimistic old Lady I am today. I had hopes and dreams and none of them included being tied down at 21-ish. Honestly, I didn't blame him at all.

That time in my life was awesome. He was awesome. It was a great adventure and I cherish it for what it was. Never in a million years would I begin to think I'd see him again in this capacity. Our convo last night was top notch. The Cowboy reminisced about the young girl who couldn't see herself being a Mom let alone living in suburbia with Strip Malls. He loved that I had grown-up. That there was substance to the idealist who used to spout off about love and materialism. He was thrilled that we had so much to catch up on when we meet up for dinner. That's right, we're having a meal together. At this point it will be good to see someone who doesn't blame me for the demise of Western Society, wait I mean their own selfish crap. It will be a new adventure for this Good Time Girl and the Cowboy...as friends. (*wink-wink*)

the Good Time Girl & HSD

So...yeah...I had a movie date last night with HSD. Totally impromptu and sort of well one of those things.

Let me just start of by saying, I batted this one around for pretty much most of the afternoon. I mean we'd chatted on the phone after the dinner escapade last Sunday and I really wasn't sure I wanted to see him...at all. Part of my was glad he got to vent and the other part of me was sad that he had ruined our big reunion. I mean how dare he have feelings! Blasted all to H-E-L-L. But he does share and that's one of the things I adore about him. He has feelings. He sort of is pretty good about talking about how those play into the Big Picture. (no passive-aggressive tone here) I digress.

So after my dearest Office BFF @rachelstoll enforced what I already knew to be the best choice, I went with my Gut. Oh the tried and true Gut! I invited HSD over for a movie after the Monkey went to bed. In my heart, I miss the way we were on nights like last night. It was a whole routine. It was comfy. But I've put my foot down that things must be different if he's going to woo me. No kids. No day trips. No bedtime routine. Just dating. Just Me and Him. Good Plan? I think so.

Alright, so I bet you're wondering how it went? What happened? Was there any grown-up play? Did we actually watch a movie?

It went very well. We talked again. Less what-does-it-all-mean and more hows-your-day-shooting-the-shit. There was for sure grown-up play. (wink-wink) And we pretended to watch Big Lebowski. It was a blissfull. For those of you who are just tuning into the program he has a way with Me. If I went into detail I'd have to put up one of those censor warning before entering my Blog. Needless to say I'm a smidge tired today...

Are we going to rush into the whole BF/GF title crap? Nah, we did that before and after this last two times hanging out I got him to say those little words every girl wants to hear from the guy she has already diagnosed with Relationship Phobia. 'I'm just not sure what I want' and the best 'I have no idea what I'm doing'. It was like music. It was beautiful. To hear a Man admit he's got no effin' clue what's going to happen and not try to pretend he's got it all figured out was refreshing. How often does that happen? Umm, like practically never. Am I right? The fact of the matter is I have no clue either. I don't know how to date or what you're supposed to do when you get to a certain point. I always feels different with different guys and so I approach accordingly. Often being too hasty and not really listening to that Guy of mine.

Now to the nitty gritty. Will we fall in love and spend eternity together? Eh, I dunno know. Do I totally want to see if he's the One? Hell Yes!! Will I stop dating other Objects in the meantime? Nopers. I've been ubber honest. He knows that I'm going to go out and live my life and if we become more over time than Super Duper. We aren't going to do anything irrational...Yet. *sigh* Not that I don't wanna. Trust me. I wanna.

The best thing about this process is that I'm doing this the way I feel comfy. I'm not running away from what scares me about him. I'm having a Good Time. And I'm not clutching to something for dear life. This will work out if I let it because it was meant to be and not because I'm scared to be alone or desperate to have a warm body next to me. My Forever is out there and I owe it to me to find it. And when it comes along  and actually happens it won't be because I chained to the bed and made it stay. Although that sounds awesome, right?

Hardly the Best...but Last?

I'm not sure I want to write about last night at all. Ugh. I feel like I should though. Just get it out of my head and move forward.

Finally, HSD and I met up for dinner. Well he came to pick me up at my place. There was an instant strangeness about his demeanor. Truly it was odd to me only because his usually chattering shyness was replaced by a silence that I couldn't place. It wasn't the angry silence I was used to from his post-Ex Drama or the Mopey Silence some men fall into when they haven't gotten their way. It was odd. Uncomfortable. Creepy.

We ate dinner at one of my favorite local spots and immediately began consuming Margaritas. It didn't seem to take the edge off the odd feeling in the air. And then it happened. He started talking about the things that went down in December and how he felt about it. This was him getting out the toxic stuff that had probably kept him from being in touch with me after I threw out my Ultimatum. Again he's the only guy I know who does this kind of talking but I wasn't expecting it. It was out of nowhere but I guess needed. After our phone convo earlier this week I though we'd sort of hashed out some of the heinous details of December but again, I'm wrong quite frequently.

The rest of the night we spent talking about all the things we had hoped to have done by now. The things we'd still like to do as individuals (and together maybe) and then back around to the flaws of the finale. I really don't know what to make of it all. It felt like something he needed to do at that moment and I get it. The way I walked out on him in December probably left him stunned and confused. We had become something bigger than either of us had anticipated in such a short time that I imagine it was a shock to the system. Leaving him once again during the Holidays empty-handed and wondering where it went wrong. I know he had a hand in it too. But I'm quite the Bulldog when I've not gotten my way and I want to make a point.

Will I see him again? I don't know at this point. I'd like to. I really would, I won't lie. I missed his face. I missed holding his hand across the table. I missed his nervous laugh and the way he wipes his hands on his pants when he can't figure out what to do with himself. I miss the little things about HSD. The challenge remains...is he ready for Me and can I be grown-up enough to work on how I deal with his Baby Mama drama?

Stay tuned.

PSA: Tech Stalking is not Pretty

A recent post by my dear fellow dating Blogger The Urban Dater about the lunacy that drives some women to text men endlessly and literally kill a relationship before one exists, got me to thinking about how some of my female friends even abuse such mediums as email and dating sites to harass men endlessly for answers. It made me giggle because shortly after a friend texted me that she hadn't heard from a Dude she'd been communicating with for 24 hours (like a lifetime right?) and in the 12 hours of night while she slept, he didn't respond to her last email. Alright, so it happens all over the world of dating. We (by WE I mean Woman's)do it all the time. I've even had the thought that maybe ONE last email will make the Object want me...cause maybe he forgot about me, right? Well, shit if he forgot about me than he just wasn't thinking about me and therefore, not interested. End of story. Right?

Then it happened to me last night. No, I didn't randomly text a Dude to see if he wanted me still. I got a message from Mr. New Guy. Now I was pretty clear in my last few texts to him post-date that I was just not feeling IT with him and wished him luck with his dating life. And I thought it was left at that. But it has turned into an email on OKC asking me to clarify WHY I didn't feel IT with him. I didn't feel I needed to respond to it because honestly, do I owe him any explanation? We're grown ups. We date. I've dated a few guys who've told me that IT just wasn't there and you move on...albeit after a few pints of Cold Stone and a good bottle of wine, but you pick it up and move on. No harm for the long-term and no Foul for being ubber honest and upfront. I dig it when a guy is clearly able to tell me that he's just not into me or he's not looking for the same things I am. It's easier. Less investment and less fuss. Oh and less ice cream consumed post-news breaking. So last night when Mr. New Guy hunted me down on Yahoo! IM and messaged me relentlessly for an hour to get a response. He moved from the very straight forward to the accusations that I 'teased' him during our ONE date into believing I liked him. He was also pretty sure we were going to kiss and that meant I liked him. (we didn't kiss BTW) Finally I had to Block him. I would list all the messages but after I blocked him I couldn't view them all...

Holy Hot Kats, REALLY?

I thought about not responding at all. Then something pulled at my heart-strings and I sent him a simple response...It just isn't going to work and now you've sealed that deal. Please leave me alone.

It's amazing to me when guys do this. I mean even Mr. Disclaimer had his moments. If we all remember he emailed my BFF on POF to check up on me and see if she still wanted to meet his friend. So it happens to everyone. The freakish panic attack stricken texting, emailing and phone calling does not discriminate. It's universal problem for all of Man and Woman-kind.

As a sort of Public Service to all my fellow daters and friends, before you send that pleading text or that 'follow-up' email think about it. If they haven't called, texted or sent you a Pigeon carried message they are probably not going to EVER.

To quote my co-worker Mr. BBG, 'His answer is in his response and if there is no response then there you go'. So I leave you with the words and some wisdom and then some music...

Less is NOT More: Dating who you Want

In a previous post about Mr. Disclaimer I started spouting about the Less Than Man. And I've done a lot of thinking about the Less Than Man; or Woman to suit your purposes. And with Hot Single Dad emerging as a part of my life with details to follow our possible Movie Date at mi casa on Friday, I've done even more thinking on the subject.

What is the Less Than Man, you ask? He's (or she's) the guy you settle for because he's got most but not all the qualities you're looking for in a dating partner. They meet some but not all of your likes or wants in the person you share your life with and so you compromise beyond reason to not be alone. How many of you can admit to doing this? I know, I have. I am guilty of it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

See these posts...here and here and here for some insight into the chaos that has been the existence of me.

And so I've been chattering a bit with my close BFF's and the Men in my life who've never entered the realm of dating Me to ask the questions why so many of us settle?

The saddest story sounded like something from the movie version of the great book, He's Just Not that Into You. A good friend of mine admitted he married his now almost ex-wife because they'd been dating for so long he felt he owed it to her. While there was no ultimatum involved he confessed he couldn't just leave her alone. (OMG!! Really?!?) And so now after 6 years of marriage they've both been carrying on relationships with other people for various amounts of time AND she's preggers with someones kiddo. Because of a court order we'll find out in 6 months just who's it is...the Lover in New York or the soon-to-be-Ex-Hubby in Huntington Beach, Cali.

Settling can wreck your life. It can create a relationship based on lies and half-truths. Yes, you might care about that person but does it make it right?

At some point in my life with the Bio, I knew that we weren't right. There was something missing from our equation. I've known it with Mr. San Diego (who I've not written about yet but it's years ago) when he admitted he couldn't imagine changing certain parts of his life. And why would I ask him to? I mean for me? WHY?!?!?

So this Less than Man...yeah him again. He's the guy you look at during convo about his day and wonder 'when's he gonna ask me about mine' and it never happens. He's the guy who lets you 'do you thing' only because he doesn't want to have to go to the wine bar since we all know real men only drink beers. This guy is the guy you look at in the morning and wonder for just a minute how he got there. He's the dude who conveniently forgets important dates and then makes you feel like crap for not reminding. Just when you least expect it he has moments of glory that make you think he's going to change...then, NOPE not so much. He takes all shapes and forms. Ultimately, he's the guy who I've dated that will make the time pass a little quicker because I'm not alone. He's just a smidge too short or he's just a smidge to liberal or he's just a smidge wrong for Me. If as a woman (or man) there are deal breakers no matter how minor they are then we need to stick to our guns and be okay with being on the path to Love alone until we find someone who fits the Order. Now, not that I'm certain Mr. Perfect exists because I know that he doesn't. I'm sure that's what I've learned from this last few months of dating and the interesting variety of men that have come my way. I'm okay with being alone and I kinda like it. Not that I don't have my moments of yearning for someone to cuddle with by the fire on the Monkey-less nights, but I'm good with knowing that I won't settle for a Less Than Man.

*********************************************************************
Now to the HSD stuff...we're planning on having a 'Movie Date' on Friday at my house. I've got the Monkey so we've discussed the need for a PG rating on the whole evening and that if after we 'talk' and sort things out we decide to keep moving forward then we'll work out a more Adult Evening soon.

Now how does this play into the Less Than Man? Well here's the deal. HSD was the first guy in my dating life to plan something for Me. I know it went horribly wrong and massively exploded in our faces but he tried. This guy shared a side of me that not even the Bio in our 20 years of knowing each has shown me. The only settling I was doing in that relationship was not being able to just jump into the way we wanted because we both have kiddos to think about. He took me places where his family would be and didn't even flinch when people told him 'your girl's awesome', he just agreed and nodded. He told me things like his days were better when I was around...even when it was twenty minutes for a cup of coffee. SOOO, why did it end you ask? It was truly a compound fracture of things and thoughts and sadness. I yelled and hit the road. Was it he best reaction given the convo's we'd had about everything that was really at the Core of our lives. We are single parents. We are parents. We really dig each other.

Now here we are. And I don't see him as a Less Than Man even with all the stuff in between. Drama aside he's different still. The Drama can't define us as individuals or even as a couple. I've learned a lot in therapy. (Praise the Therapy Gods) And I've possibly got a second chance at this with someone who managed to fall into my Life in the midst of this tragedy that is on-line dating.

We'll see what tomorrow night brings...

HSD Returns: Cape Not Included.

And we're back...

Hot Single Dad whom officially I let go of back in December (see post here and here) of 2009 has made a resurgence into my life. All with one stupid text, he's back. Okay not officially back but he's made it clear that he 'misses me'. Now the mind reels with thoughts of the how and why after all this time does he miss me now??? There were obvious reasons I exited the relationship. There were still outright issues with why I couldn't hack it. It was my view of the situation that led me away and not looking back. From what I could see there was still some feelings leftover about the Baby Mama and the drama the always sprouted from their interactions.

But now, is this a second chance at a first impression? I don't know. I'm not sure. I can't even begin to say. I'll admit my heart jumped into my throat at the sight of his name on my phone attached to a text. However, my head is still cautious of what went down before. I guess I'll just have to play it calm and be collected over the whole thing. Afterall, there's a reason I let him walk in the first place and that may not have changed...right?

Either way I heart him still...so, I'll keep y'all posted.

Happy Birthday, Tio Claudio.

Today would have been my Uncle's 41st Birthday. My heart is surrounded by such a variety of emotions. I'm at a crossroads in my life and I'd give anything for his guidance. Really truly you don't know what you've got until it's gone...

Fix It, Mami

Last night my Mami had her second surgery in relation to the Brain Tumor that has caused such pain for my Mami physically and emotionally. It's really completely changed the way we live our lives. I look at my life differently. I embrace my Monkey just a smidgen tighter. I fear things in the smallest but slightly neurotic way.


I didn't write about the Tumor in the beginning. Honestly, I feared it. I still do today. I've had friends who have lost parents, but never before had I imagined what it would be like to lose mine. My Mami is my rock. She's been there no matter what I've done or said and held me close when I moved out of the house I shared with the Bio after bringing home the 30-week preemie Monkey. We've looked fear in the eye together and scoffed at it. And now I fear. Not in the crazy-holy-shit-my-life-is-ending way but in the I-am-only-human way. There is substance to this fight she fights that I'm learning from every single day. And I thank her for fighting. I adore her for knowing we need her here. For being strong and brave even when I know it'd be so much easier for her to fold the cards.

After the diagnosis, I think everyone in our immediate family was left with this hanging feeling. Somewhere in limbo between where we were before and then hesitating to plan anything beyond the moment. That's what I see when I look at my Monkey. The moment, right now. How I got here now seems inconsequential, but what I do with this moment and all those that line up are what matters.

I can't always expect my Mami to fix it, but now it's my turn.

Save the Drama for your Mama.

After my post yesterday about Mr. Disclaimer and the great comments from my homegirls @SingleMomSays, @tbdetermined_09, @TsQuest and my newest Twitter pal @runpippirun I felt great about my choice to nix the Douche in the Bud. Well then the BFF got involved...okay not by choice but Mr. Disclaimer dragged her into the drama of which I was not wishing to participate in. Bottom line. Part of the deal for this last weekend was he thought his roomie would be interested in meeting my BFF and so therefore we agreed to at some point during our getting to know each other to introduce them. Gravie! No problem-o. I'm all about sharing the Love Wealth and getting my friends hooked up...heck I've been responsible for 3 successful-ish relationships and they admit were it not for me and my Cupid-esque involvement it would never have been! HA!

I digress.

With all this in mind now, here comes the kicker. Mr. D searched out my friend on POF to not only explain his side of the story BUT to ask her if she was still interested in his roomie. I know, I know...you're all thinking, "OMG! Douche Bag!!"...right??? Well the worst part of it is I think he swayed my friend to see his side and she even said she 'felt bad' and 'maybe it was all a miscommunication?'. Apparently, he 'explained' that he was just not sure about his plans and that he was 'in touch with me as soon as he knew'. Umm, knew what? That at 3pm (on the same day) he'd been sitting on his ass at home probably drinking beers and decided that he would invite me for our First Date Do-Over to a shitty Sports Bar in my home town? Or was it that he assumed I'd be sitting around painting my friggin' nails while I waited with baited breath for his text?!! PLEEAAASSEEE!!!

This whole episode has gotten me thinking about Boundaries and the best word ever R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Should you really have to explain to a man, or anyone for that matter, that it's a prerequisite to loving you? That there are certain things that are not okay and other things that he/she/him/it/her/they should just know/do/get? In my honest thinking I feel like an evolved man/woman/it/them with a comfort level in him/herself should just know these are common desires of every human being. Am I at all off-base here? While I think my BFF gets this in general too often those of us who deeply desire to be loved and are getting slowly exhausted by the Life Suck, that occurs during Dating in general. And we start to make excuses and be fooled by the Less Than Man/Woman/IT. By the Less Than I don't mean that there's anything wrong with them in general, just simply that these people are comfy where they are and don't really wanna change. They are Less Than what a person is really looking for and too often we make excuses for them. Like me with Mr. S and making excuses for his lack of ability to be monogamous with anyone. I allowed him to come into my life and bring joy and happiness but with the conditions that we remain incognito with our affair. He was one of my Less Thans and trust me I've had nothing but Less Thans since I started dating.

And so with all that out there...YES, Mr. D is for sure a Less Than. A man who won't make plans with me for a date and then refuses to meet me halfway for a drink at a place just because it's not his 'thing' is a Less Than. There is probably a woman who is okay with only going out for Beers and never doing anything but playing pool and hanging out at Sports Bars, sadly that's not me. I need a Dude-Man who can culture-it-up now and again but still get down and dirty. Too much to ask for in a person? Eh, me thinks not. Will I ever find the perfect mix of a guy who can fill my tall order? That remains to be seen.

Argh.

Mr. Disclaimer & the Comfort Zone.

Let me start off by admitting that I'm confused about this situation. There is something about having your global group of friends not agree on an issue that leaves this Single Mama unsettled and unsure. But at the same time, I feel good about my choice. Ugh and so forth. The factions are divided on whether or not I was too hard on Mr. Disclaimer and his lame attempt at trying to date me.

Rewind to last week around Wednesday, I texted Mr. Disclaimer to arrange plans for Saturday since I would be Monkey-less and we could have our official 1st Date Do-Over. He informed me he had a Softball Tourney and so he would be busy until late. The next few days went without confirmation that we could hang out after his games and so by Friday night I was making plans with my BFF to grab a bite and have a mellow evening of girl chatter. Groovie and totally called for.

Then came Saturday...my parents are moving at the beginning of April and given their dedication to help me do my own thing I feel like it's only right I spend as much of my free time helping them move as possible. And that's what I was doing when Mr. Disclaimer texted me at 3pm to find out what me and the BFF were up to for the evening. Now here's where it gets sketchy for me. I was not only confused since he had made such a stink about the Softball thingy he had already on schedule but he had several chances throughout the week to make plans to hang out with me. The evening proceeded and I went on to get ready for dinner with my BFF and make tentative after plans to meet up at a local wine bar with friends after dinner. There was at some point a random invite from Mr. Disclaimer to some wings place in the town where I grew up, and let me tell that this is top on my list of things to do on a Saturday night. Yes, every girl wants to visit her hometown for the possibility of running into high school friends!! Since I was miffed about the lack of consideration on his part, I went about my plans and had a great Indian meal and then on to a local wine bar that provided great entertainment in the form of a pretty good band and their patrons.

Yes, I was miffed. I volleyed back and forth about whether to give him a pass. I mean I'd already given him the one for being a little drunkie on our first encounter. So this seemed like a long shot. Not to mention I'd made the effort to make plans! Crap.

The texting continued. More Crap. I let him know where we were at around 10pm after a glass of wine or two (I was feeling generous with him at that point) and that they could meet us there as an alternative and sort as a second chance. The responses are what were driving me nuts. He couldn't, or I should say wouldn't come meet us with his buddy at the wine bar but suggested WE meet them for a beer! Even went as far as to make a princess reference. Alright this is where I started getting pissed...MEET ME HALFWAY DOUCHE BAG! And the finale was the text asking me to invite him over for a 'movie or something'. I mean really?!? I know we'd had some intimate convos about past relationship and appetites and so forth but really?!? He asked me to invite him over...TO MY HOUSE! There are just so many things wrong with that picture. Right?

With all this now being said and done and chatting this morning with @rachelstoll and unnamed Co-worker who I'd still love to nickname 'Mr. Broken Butt Guy' (he has an injury and it appears that name would be short lived) I get it. Mr. Disclaimer is/was just not willing to do the real work to see Me. He was looking for easy outs and plans that involve him settling into his comfort zone (Beer is apparently his comfort zone) and not actually having to do anything out of his element (the Wine Bar would have been too much apparently). While 10 years ago I easily would have dropped my plans and finished my drink to meet him for that beer, and giggled about how cute it was that he was nervous and/or insecure, the woman I am today is not up for that crap. She's just not. Honestly, I kept wondering what they hell was wrong with this picture? Now I see it and had this confirmed by Unnamed Coworker and @rachelstoll, if a guy wants to see me there should be some effort on his part. He should be able to make plans with me and if he really wants to see me he will make it happen. NO MATTER WHAT. And while compromise is important there are lines that have to be drawn for one's own sanity.

What will I take away from this experience? It takes all kinds to learn about who I am and what I'm willing to work around. Had there been tentative plans made prior then a text on Saturday would have sufficed but he was pretty clear that he'd be too busy. And so I'm pretty confident now to declare I am not okay with being the girl (okay woman) who sits around waiting for a Dude to get a clue. Just not gonna happen.

Date #12564: Meeting Mr. Disclaimer

Disclaimer: This may very well be the worst post ever. I am exhausted and can't think clearly. Eck.

First dates kill me. I don't get ubber nervous once I'm on the verge but I do tend to over plan and need the person I'm meeting up with to be on the ball. Honestly I go into this sort of stealth mode and have to make sure that my head is in the game. Be honest. Be yourself and don't let'em see the whites of your eyes on the 1st date. Heehee.

It's not too much to ask for that the person you're meeting has there crap together, right? So yeah there are very few times when I feel the need to let things go. You know flex and give a smidge for the other person. At least not when it comes to first impressions..if you're going to flake on the first date, why bother?

So Mr. Disclaimer and I set up our first date yesterday morning and by 3pm it was all but cancelled. This Mister has a techie job that requires him to be at work during these times of crisis and so he let me know that our first meeting was most likely going to be delayed to the weekend. Already we know I am forever the pessimist optimist in these situations and am always coming up with alternative reasons for How, What, Where and Why of it all. Oy to the over thinker.

With that being said this Mama was not going to let a good babysitter go to waste and crap if I cancelled on her at that point I would have felt obligated to pay her anyway! I know, I know. In the heat of frustration and denial that this was really not going to happen the way I wanted it to, I called on my BFF and had her meet me for Girl Dish and a Beer...oh and a yummy spinachy dip thingy. Since I'm me and I was of course checking my phone for babysitter updates (she rocks btw) and/or news from Mr. Disclaimer the air was filled with a F*%k this Attitude. Nada, nada tostada from the Mister by 8.30pm so I was ready to call it night. Needless to say the girl talk strayed into the obscene amount of bad, very bad and horrific dates we've had over the last almost year of on-line dating. It was laughable and I think it even earned me a free beer on the tab. (Did I mention I got carded too!)

There were moments I wanted to crush his 6'5" frame with my tiny fingers and cast a plague on his dating life forever more. But there was still this itty bitty spark of hope that eventually I'd meet this guy and he wouldn't be a total douche. After all he had explained last week that his job at this point was a clusterf*ck and he was spending many a night there until the wee hours...oh and he works 50 miles away from the crap town we live in...so yeah I had been warned.

9.40pm: He calls me. He's on his way. Should he still come by? He'd be there in about 15 minutes.

He showed up at a smidge after 10pm and I had to be home to relieve the babysitter by 10.30pm. Needless to say I was excited to meet him. The BFF gave him Brownie Points for even showing up after I gave him a pass on the whole evening. So here's where it gets amusing...he was visibly nervous. I mean like eye contact avoidance nervous. And he appeared to have had a few at work...apparently for nights like this one they drink to keep the night from getting too dull. Eh, I'd have a shot or two at work on certain days...if I wasn't terrified of losing my job and we all know Mama needs her job. So yeah. I've got to be honest...seeing this Giant Man so nervous and flustered was kinda adorable and fun to watch him squirm in my presence. I mean really, it's just me? Okay and my BFF which had to have added to the level of stress.

Down to the brass taxes...I'm going to see him again. Hopefully, without my BFF and before we've had any chance to consume adult beverages on our own. This first meeting was just one of those things and I don't think it was an accurate portrayal of who we are individually. There is great phone conversation and chemistry so I think I have to allow this one to just slide. There is something about this guy I have to uncover. (heehee...I wrote uncover) Not that I feel I owe him anything at all! But I feel like I owe it to myself to get to core of what's really going on. From our phone chats I've learned this guy has had a string of relationships he's stayed in for the simple fact that he doesn't want to be the 'Bad Guy' who makes a girl cry. Especially if he really does like and have affection for that person. So there is something more there that I didn't get to witness last night in our 40 minute Date, and so I will venture out on the 2nd date this weekend possibly.

I'm not sure if it's my usual glutton for punishment thing or if this guy really does have potential...we'll see.

Pessimist Walking

Back in the saddle...

I will not even summarize my last date and the drama that ensued over it...pointless. Don't even read about it unless you want a good laugh at how some guy's just don't know how to respond to honesty. Oh and a girl with a life. Bah.

I've decided to throw caution to the wind. Even when the nagging voice in my brain starts to yank me away from a profile because of distance or circumstance I contact the Object anyway. Yes, I just referred to the men of POF and OKC as Objects. Given my post on the Order of Operations, it seems appropriate that I call them the Objects of my desire. Eh, it's a loose excuse but let's go with it for now.

So I contacted one guy for the simple fact he had a 'Disclaimer' on his profile...and once I get his permission I will share the whole thing but for the most part it was in reference to all the bad dates he has experienced during his time on POF. What?!? Guys have bad dates?!? Weird but yes it happens. And this gave me some great food for thought. I've had recent dates with Men-kind who have not shared about losing major weight versus the picture on-line, the guy who forgot to mention he had a beard in real-life for his pilgrimage to Burning Man and well, I could go on and on...

So this got me to thinking...every time I don't hear from a guy after the 1st date, and no this doesn't happen often, is it because I was not what they expected? Or because we didn't gel? And not because they are giant selfish douche bag's with no class? Or maybe a bit of both? Eh, it remains to be seen. But with information comes perspective and the sharing last night got me to thinking...this plight is not just that of the woman folk.

Mr. Disclaimer as he will henceforth be known as we begin our journey of getting to know each other had some salacious stories about dating mishaps and disappointments. I must admit we had a great time sharing our misadventures over the phone...so much so I even almost cried. And yes we laughed at all the crap that people throw in their profiles to try to snag the attention of their own Object. What really shocked me was how I'd never had this conversation with other Men who'd been so affected by the misuse of a Hot cousin's picture or the sudden change in verbal skills to some form of jacked up slang. I've never heard a guy express how truly these experiences had impacted his dating life. And he's come up with a formula...I kid you not! A set of questions to decode our woman speak and get down to brass taxes...and all over email. Of course I shared my lack of faith in just a few questions giving him enough insight into the real person behind the pic of the girl with the giant hair...ha! You thought I'd say Lips! Ha.

So we went over and over the question and answer emails we exchanged over the last few days...

1. What do you think your 2 best and 2 worst physical qualities are?

2. How about your 2 best and 2 worst personality traits?

3. Favorite drink? Doesn't matter what kind alcohol or not.

...so I thought about this for a bit while we chatted...and I got his point. A woman who likes herself won't point out that she has giant breasts if they are blatantly visible in her profile pics. Nor will she deny answering the questions if she's really secure in the fact that she's got best and worst physical qualities and is really okay with them. Apparently, I came off self-loving (dirty girl) and he liked my answers off the bat...because I picked honest attributes and not something I thought he wanted to hear. That's just not me. I want someone to love and adore this girlie for all her strangeness.

I think it's true dating is about finding what fits you. Like looking for the illusive great pair of jeans. You can try on 100 pairs in a day of feverish shopping and still not find the right one.

Every time I do this thing over and over again, I discover something new about me and what I am willing to compromise or stick firm on. I like Mr. Disclaimer's honesty and ability to have a life of his own...oh and he's a giant. But all-in-all I like that he's showing me a new side to this dating junk that is enlightening my previous beliefs that all men do is line up dates and knock'em out. Okay well maybe most men do. Ugh. Pessimist Walking.

the dITch Factor

Update are not my specialty. Oops, I forget. But this one is special. So this weekend was full to the brim with stuff to do. However with the rain pending I changed my Ikea plans to having lunch with my BFF from High School and decided to get some shiz taken care of before my night out with my Lil'Sis and Bro-in-Law.

Rewind to Friday...I didn't hear from Mr. New Guy until late in the evening and suffice to say he played the 'Did you forget about Me' card and that started the angsty ball rolling. I let him know I had a bad day and that my weekend plans had changed somewhat but I'd be in touch next week.

Saturday rolls around and I get random texts from him about not hearing from me and was I okay?? By this time I was full well into my prep for the Ozomatli show in Anaheim and totally confused by his texting. He seemed flustered at the fact that I didn't schedule a whole hangout day for us on my 1st Full Solo weekend without my Monkey. Hello!!! We just met!!! Argh.

So I texted him back and let him know I was busy and things were going to be shitty for getting together until next week. Not at that point even realizing how angry I was at having to explain myself. At first I calmed myself with the thought that he's just probably experiencing huge side effects from being inside all the time post-op on his shoulder. But then I thought about how we'd talked about this stuff. My weekend without the Monkey are tough for me and now that it's two nights instead of one I've got stuff planned for all the upcoming one's for the most part. AND how I despise the 'what are you doing' game. I hate that shit with a passion. You know I'm busy and/or that I have plans to do certain things and then you text me?!?

At this point in my life I am not a drop everything for anyone but my kiddo kind of girl. It's just not in me. My son and my family come first in this world. End of discussion. Any new guy is going to have to earn that kind of treatment...lesson learned with the Bio on that one. So when this popped up with Mr. New Guy this weekend only 1.5 days after days after the 1st date. OMG!!! There is not enough IT Factor in the world to make me want to think about going out with him again. Sorry ladies...and some gents...I just can't. I'm not going to suit up for that one this time.

Just not gonna do it.

Eulogy for Kick Ass Tio

While my heart is filled with a deep sadness, it is a great honor to be here with all of you today to celebrate the life of one of God’s most cherished children, Claudio Rodarte. On behalf of his brothers and sisters, his nieces and nephews and his wife, Christina, the family thanks all of you from the bottom of our hearts and from the depths of our souls for spending this day with us to remember and to say Goodbye.


In his nearly 41 years of life, my Tio Claudio spread joy, laughter, unconditional love and made an impression on every single person whose life he touched. And this I can decipher not only from the mark he left on my own life but from the magnitude of outpouring of kind words and prayer from friends and acquaintances but also, by the number of faces I see here today.

I spent the past few days attempting to find the best way to summarize the life of such a great and noble human being. I searched for inspiration; I looked up definitions and did research on this man. But Claudio Rodarte is a rare subject. There is no easy way to define this man we are here to remember and give thanks for. There is no one memory that defines Claudio as the Man we all knew and adored. Everyone who knew him as a child remembers a creative and carefree soul that grew into an explorer with a great desire to see beyond his own world. To live without barriers or boundaries, and to uncover the depths of his own soul. Claudio grew into a man with purpose and dedication. Dedicated not only to his family and his friends but to those who needed a champion. To all of us, who needed someone to show us that the end of a path is not the end, but simply a chance to change our original destination.

From a very young age, I remember looking up to my Tio Claudio; feeling an undeniable bond between us. He has always been my mentor, my surrogate big brother, on occasion I think he changed my diaper when I was a baby, and as I reached adulthood he was the one person in my life who could speak the truth to me from his soul that I could actually hear.

Once I reached out to family and friends of Claudio’s for inspiration I realized how many of you he left with the same impression. He was so many things to so many people. To my parents, Alisia his eldest sister and my father Danny, he was one of their kids before they had me and their memories of him date back to the days when his afro was in rare form and his passion for music was emerging. To his dear friends like Ingancio, he was an unconventional big brother and I’ve heard many of the unusual stories of which quite a few ended with calls to one of my other Tio’s for assistance. To his brothers and sisters he was their baby brother, and there is no way to define in words the friendship and bond between these siblings, that they have had since he came into this world.

And to his wife Christina, he was not just a husband, but a partner in this life and a best friend. I remember when he told me he knew she was the one, driving in his car on one of our many trips to the mall. I remember the tears he cried. I remember having to listen to the same Ozomatli song over and over again, while he dissected what it meant to him and how it reflected his relationship with this woman; until finally he had the courage to propose to Christina and make her a part of this immense family of his. Because that is what we all are today. We are Claudio’s family and we are all blessed to have made this journey in life with him.

It is fitting that Claudio chose the day of our Saint Valentine to leave us. I know I will never look at a chocolate heart or cupid the same way every again, and that day will forever mean something different to each one of us. I will miss this Man who was so much to so many of us in this lifetime. There will be days that we will reach out for Claudio’s words of wisdom and there will be moments when he is here with us to see us through, silently. He will always be that man; the brother, the husband, the uncle, the friend, the godfather, the nephew, the cousin…he will always be all those things no matter where his body rests because his soul has touched us all.

Whenever I felt my life was taking a turn down a path I could not handle, I would reach out for guidance and many times it was a quick phone call or an email to ask for his thoughts on the matter. Like the day my son was born 8 weeks early, and I was second guessing my choice to be a single Mom, he held my hand and asked me if I loved my child. And of course I said, ‘yes’.

He leaned down to me and whispered in my ear…

"Love is everything, Mija this is Love"

And as we have all learned from our time with Claudio, Love is the gift of life that God grants us. And God blessed us with the Life and the Love of Claudio Rodarte, something for which I will forever be grateful. Let us never forget that blessing.

the Loss

Just a few weeks ago, my family was struggling with the reality that my Mom was indeed suffering from the ill effects of a Brain Tumor. I know, right? A friggin' tumor? All I could think was 'people don't actually get tumors'...it's the stuff of movies and crappy dramatic TV. But my very own Mom had been struggling to get out of bed and even keep food down over the last weekend of January. So, me the stubborn daughter who never lets Doctors push Me around with choices or evil over diagnosis dragged my Mom back to the doctor on Monday, February 1st. The emotions that swirled around what was already a mood of loss and sadness quickly swept into 'Fix-It-Mom-Mode' we like to call it between mi Mama y yo. We ask the questions that no one wants to and we get the answers that nobody really wants...we're Mommies. It's our job to tackle the tough stuff head-on so no else has to. And so yes the tumor had to come out.

6inches around and solid. Touching the brain stem just enough to cause pressure and disruption to her quality of life...

It came out on February 2nd. And my Mommy is doing amazing. She's walking and talking and living life. We conquered the Evil within and now it was time to heal as a Family. It was time to turn full circle and regroup. Plans were in motion for a House Warming Party for me and the Monkey, for a recovery party for my Mom and getting ready for my Uncle's birthday in March.

February 12th changed that for all of us...again.

At work and maintaining my great Thank God Friday is here attitude, I got the call...my youngest Uncle had suffered what they thought was a seizure. An hour later it was defined as a Stroke and he was suffering from a Brain Bleed. All we could do was wait...and we all know how good I am at waiting. So the waiting game ensued and I did my best to occupy my mind. Took the Monkey to a Birthday Party for his little Girlie friend. Cooked actually food for the week. Made an effort to give peace a chance with some lost friendships. And then we got good news. He wasn't officially Brain Dead but it would be rough IF he made it out of the Coma. More waiting...

Sunday, at just after 3pm my Uncle quietly left this world...it's one of those things. He's was so young. He was so loved. He was like a brother to me. He was the one Man who spoke honest words without regret. He was amazingly dedicated to his Family. He was...

I'm not sure any of this will make sense to anyone but Me.  This Man was like my brother. He would listen to music with me and taught me how to think outside my box. He dedicated himself to helping others and showing young people that there is a choice other than what society hands you at birth. When I thought I was failing my son by leaving his father before he was even born, he spoke the most amazing words to me...'Love is everything, Mija and this is Love'.  Never after that did I doubt that having my son and being strong enough to make the healthiest choice for both of us was the right thing to do. Mi Tio was a firm believer in faith and fate...and God's Plan.

Is this God's Plan? Is he teaching us something from this loss? From the evolution of my Faith over the last seven years, I have to believe yes. I have to believe that God (his God, your God, my God...whoever he/she may be) gave him the body he lived in with a soul and he did with it what he could but in the end that Higher Power chose to take him from us for his own good. His body was tired and needed to rest. His soul will come back to us, someday soon in whatever form it chooses. I believe this with my heart and soul...deeply.

Loss is devastating. Faith is guidance. For me at least, it guides me to a place where I can love my Uncle from here on Earth and know what he is at peace with his Mother and Father.

Now if I can just get through February without another Family tragedy I'll be a woman at peace...

Thanks.

the Social Worker of Dating

After my last post and the previous one about being a shallow Mama I've done some recon work on my dating habits...and tons of chatting with Mr. Office Friend (best I can do and I refuse to call him Broken Butt Guy) and Ms. Office mate, I've decided I just can't do it. I will not meet Mr. N (nor will I translate what that name really means).

Yes, everyone deserves a chance at love but not necessarily with me. It's sad to a point but I've been here before. The recovering addict, the not-so-recovering-hobby-guy, the flip-flop-wearer (aka Mountain Man), the triathlete who was late to our date because he had to finish his training, HSD and of course there are SO many others! I've allowed myself to date Men based on 'giving them a chance'. Everyone deserves an opportunity at love, right? Okay yes they do but at the expense of my integrity and joy...NO, damn it not this time. I was hedging on meeting up with this guy who I'm not even really into because I don't want to be too shallow and not be nice. I can't keep being the Social Worker of dating and giving every last Man without a Woman a chance at love in spite of mixed emotions and misgivings.

Do I feel bad? Is this a mistake? Not this time my friends. No, not this time. I think it's freeing that I am making this choice. Based on my past misery and the future I desire it's a valid choice and I'm making it for me. Not for someone else and not to appease the random friend God's who think I'm not 'as deep as they thought'. And yes I am shallow. So there. Bah on those who think they are not. I want to be attracted instantaneously to the man I'm dating and that is not wrong! Jeepers.

If I'm just not feeling it then I need to address that in the beginning and not wait around for some bigger reason to break the heart of a would be Love. Better to spare everyone the heartache and panic attacks that go along with that kind of dating. It's painful and stressful and no one is left feeling good about anything. And someone ends up sad and alone and how is that fair? It's not, duh.

Alright I'm done venting...I feel better.

Jump the Line

There have been men folk in my life who I have thought were the Great Love of my life and then sadly some kind of smash-bang-boom occured and the end came. Thus destroying the possibility of that Great Love fantasy. Boo!! Alas enter the dreaded word...Dealbreaker.

Every so often there is the re-entry of the One who I push away repeatedly. He's sweet and sarcastic. He adores me for every little thing about me. He is basically the Ideal candidate for loving the Mama. Truly I adore him. I do. And here comes the other dreaded word...BUT there's a Dealbreaker I have not ever been able to get past. I won't share entirely but it involves a hobby,  I can't approve of because I AM A Mama. It's not strippers or porn or something silly like that because I get that hobby. Don't necessarily appreciate it but I get it. Men are visual learners, end of story and it's kind of cute now that I'm older and get it.

In a time when women are again looking for their 'Happy Ending' with or without a man, I wonder what lines we should or shouldn't cross for love...or to be loved by someone unique? In my circumstances today, as a Mama, there are lines I draw to keep my son's life happy and healthy and as drama-free as possible. And yet comprimising my own desires and needs doesn't seem like that large of a sacrifice for the greater good of my future world and the little man in my life, I wonder if I'm being extreme in my line drawing?

I've walked away from guys who 'seemed' to have it all wrapped up just because there were aspects of their lifestyle and/or thinking didn't mesh with my ideal pursuit of the Man who would share in my little family. This one in particular I cruised away from when I realized that my driving 300 miles back and forth to see him was not productive for me (and the kiddo) and on top of that his hobby of choice would impact my own personal lifestyle choice. Oh and I think MySpace was involved in some way, but I digress. I'm the first person in the room to tell a girlfriend it's better to know that people are inherently good but don't expect them to change for you. It's just not healthy, in my opinion, for people to have to fit into cookie cutter imprints designed by a prospective mate. And so I remain single and smirking at every text that comes across from this former-Almost-Great-Love in my life and know that deep in my heart he's there wading through all the mish-mash of adoration but I don't see Me making the step to accept his hobby, nor do I see him changing for Me and I don't want him. Admittedly, it would be a whole different ball of waxy goodness if I was not the LiL'Devil Mama...but I am and the Love of my Life (aka the Monkey) comes before all others.

What lines should we draw, erase or cross to be loved and to love?

Deep End & the Height Matters Update...

In my most recent posts here and here I've been struggling a lot with personal issues...past and present. Work is tough. Dating sucks. Or not dating for that matter. Being a Mama is the only upside. Co-Parenting is my daily reminder that my life will never be the same. I could go on and on and on...

But this weekend I moved into my new townhouse. My Dad-Man helped me out with the deposit and was one of four people who helped me move me into my new place. It's amazing. Okay so even though there are and have been a few on-going glitches in the new place it's Mine and the Monkey's new Casa. I'm currently decorating so pics will certainly follow later in the week. It's my new haven for creativity. It's where I will blossom and flourish. Thanks to inspiration from my gal pal @SHSingleMama I'm working on finding something I can do to get my mind back into the Land of Artsy Fartsy.

I won't jump off the Deep End.There won't be any jumping up and down yelling at the Bio for being a 'tard when I needed his support. I won't quit my job even though I'm not feeling it right now. I won't give up on my passions and hobbies that have fallen by so neglected.

I'll turn away from the Deep End while carrying the Monkey off to the Zoo or Kidspace and ride off into the Sunset...