Fix It, Mami

Last night my Mami had her second surgery in relation to the Brain Tumor that has caused such pain for my Mami physically and emotionally. It's really completely changed the way we live our lives. I look at my life differently. I embrace my Monkey just a smidgen tighter. I fear things in the smallest but slightly neurotic way.


I didn't write about the Tumor in the beginning. Honestly, I feared it. I still do today. I've had friends who have lost parents, but never before had I imagined what it would be like to lose mine. My Mami is my rock. She's been there no matter what I've done or said and held me close when I moved out of the house I shared with the Bio after bringing home the 30-week preemie Monkey. We've looked fear in the eye together and scoffed at it. And now I fear. Not in the crazy-holy-shit-my-life-is-ending way but in the I-am-only-human way. There is substance to this fight she fights that I'm learning from every single day. And I thank her for fighting. I adore her for knowing we need her here. For being strong and brave even when I know it'd be so much easier for her to fold the cards.

After the diagnosis, I think everyone in our immediate family was left with this hanging feeling. Somewhere in limbo between where we were before and then hesitating to plan anything beyond the moment. That's what I see when I look at my Monkey. The moment, right now. How I got here now seems inconsequential, but what I do with this moment and all those that line up are what matters.

I can't always expect my Mami to fix it, but now it's my turn.

the Loss

Just a few weeks ago, my family was struggling with the reality that my Mom was indeed suffering from the ill effects of a Brain Tumor. I know, right? A friggin' tumor? All I could think was 'people don't actually get tumors'...it's the stuff of movies and crappy dramatic TV. But my very own Mom had been struggling to get out of bed and even keep food down over the last weekend of January. So, me the stubborn daughter who never lets Doctors push Me around with choices or evil over diagnosis dragged my Mom back to the doctor on Monday, February 1st. The emotions that swirled around what was already a mood of loss and sadness quickly swept into 'Fix-It-Mom-Mode' we like to call it between mi Mama y yo. We ask the questions that no one wants to and we get the answers that nobody really wants...we're Mommies. It's our job to tackle the tough stuff head-on so no else has to. And so yes the tumor had to come out.

6inches around and solid. Touching the brain stem just enough to cause pressure and disruption to her quality of life...

It came out on February 2nd. And my Mommy is doing amazing. She's walking and talking and living life. We conquered the Evil within and now it was time to heal as a Family. It was time to turn full circle and regroup. Plans were in motion for a House Warming Party for me and the Monkey, for a recovery party for my Mom and getting ready for my Uncle's birthday in March.

February 12th changed that for all of us...again.

At work and maintaining my great Thank God Friday is here attitude, I got the call...my youngest Uncle had suffered what they thought was a seizure. An hour later it was defined as a Stroke and he was suffering from a Brain Bleed. All we could do was wait...and we all know how good I am at waiting. So the waiting game ensued and I did my best to occupy my mind. Took the Monkey to a Birthday Party for his little Girlie friend. Cooked actually food for the week. Made an effort to give peace a chance with some lost friendships. And then we got good news. He wasn't officially Brain Dead but it would be rough IF he made it out of the Coma. More waiting...

Sunday, at just after 3pm my Uncle quietly left this world...it's one of those things. He's was so young. He was so loved. He was like a brother to me. He was the one Man who spoke honest words without regret. He was amazingly dedicated to his Family. He was...

I'm not sure any of this will make sense to anyone but Me.  This Man was like my brother. He would listen to music with me and taught me how to think outside my box. He dedicated himself to helping others and showing young people that there is a choice other than what society hands you at birth. When I thought I was failing my son by leaving his father before he was even born, he spoke the most amazing words to me...'Love is everything, Mija and this is Love'.  Never after that did I doubt that having my son and being strong enough to make the healthiest choice for both of us was the right thing to do. Mi Tio was a firm believer in faith and fate...and God's Plan.

Is this God's Plan? Is he teaching us something from this loss? From the evolution of my Faith over the last seven years, I have to believe yes. I have to believe that God (his God, your God, my God...whoever he/she may be) gave him the body he lived in with a soul and he did with it what he could but in the end that Higher Power chose to take him from us for his own good. His body was tired and needed to rest. His soul will come back to us, someday soon in whatever form it chooses. I believe this with my heart and soul...deeply.

Loss is devastating. Faith is guidance. For me at least, it guides me to a place where I can love my Uncle from here on Earth and know what he is at peace with his Mother and Father.

Now if I can just get through February without another Family tragedy I'll be a woman at peace...

Thanks.

Deep End & the Height Matters Update...

In my most recent posts here and here I've been struggling a lot with personal issues...past and present. Work is tough. Dating sucks. Or not dating for that matter. Being a Mama is the only upside. Co-Parenting is my daily reminder that my life will never be the same. I could go on and on and on...

But this weekend I moved into my new townhouse. My Dad-Man helped me out with the deposit and was one of four people who helped me move me into my new place. It's amazing. Okay so even though there are and have been a few on-going glitches in the new place it's Mine and the Monkey's new Casa. I'm currently decorating so pics will certainly follow later in the week. It's my new haven for creativity. It's where I will blossom and flourish. Thanks to inspiration from my gal pal @SHSingleMama I'm working on finding something I can do to get my mind back into the Land of Artsy Fartsy.

I won't jump off the Deep End.There won't be any jumping up and down yelling at the Bio for being a 'tard when I needed his support. I won't quit my job even though I'm not feeling it right now. I won't give up on my passions and hobbies that have fallen by so neglected.

I'll turn away from the Deep End while carrying the Monkey off to the Zoo or Kidspace and ride off into the Sunset...

Workin' For a Livin'

While I adore my jobby job it is driving the passion right out of my artsy fartsy brain. I have no energy leftover at the end of the day to pretend I can paint let alone write my stupid book that has been 'in progress' for 2 years. I'm drained. I manage so many aspects of this job and the team...

My education lies heavily in writing and art history; and this job is nowhere near that field. I miss working with lunatic creative types at the Museum I used to work at who were inspired by life and how it moved around us. We looked at the youth of our community around us for next steps to change and make change happen daily. I loved that kind of urban life that kept me waking up for more every stinking day.

Today I make a money to spend money on life essentials. Food, shelter and clothes for the Monkey. But today I am uninspired by my job and it's killing me slowly. There are people that thrive in this kind of field and love it for the off balance lifestyle it brings but I can't find it. I can't feel it anymore. I'm searching for something to hold onto here but I can't seem to find what it was that made me think this would work for a while. I love it. But is it the ideal long-term plan for a Mama with the desire to create and change the world?

*******

We all know I'm in the process of the slowest move in the world and with working out my budget I am okay on life essentials cost money, but it's the rest of the bills that will suffer for at least 3 months while I adjust. So in a effort to avoid losing my mind I'm trying to earn extra cash...surveys, www.chacha.com, selling stuff from my personal collection and of course offering my services as a semi-guru of the social networking world to the peeps at large.

Thusfar, I've made little extra cash and can't see that changing unless I sell a kidney. But I will keep the world posted on my progress and even post about the best sites to earn cash from! Woot.

Keep Hope Alive!!

the Dead Wait

Last night I got to catch up with my dear friend @JaneErik musician extraordinaire and all around lovely woman. We've known each other since college roomie days. I mean this woman witnessed some of my most ridonkulous college behavior...like bleaching my died black hair, dating one too many wanna-be rockers & porn addicts, driving to Vegas on no sleep, driving to San Diego on no sleep & then doing nothing but drinking Margaritas and hiding...and all the in between stuff that I will not divulge out of respect for the roomie code.


While the contents of the gal pal chitter chatter is confidential there was one topic that has hung in my head since last night. When do you call the long-term relationship your in dead weight and cut it loose? How long do you let the Dead Wait before your inform them they are goners?


For me it was after 1.5 years of denial to largest degree and one pregnancy later that I finally cut the dead weight and told the Bio I was done for good. Keep in mind he was probably done WAY before I was, okay not probably but you know what I mean. There were things about that relationship I hung onto that clearly didn't make our relationship function any better...we loved the same type of animation, have dark humor and sarcasm, love to eat candy in bed while, have an affinity for make up sex and lastly the desire to save someone else. These things worked against us because they were really the only thing after our first split that really defined who we were. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for him to leave me again. Walking on egg shells goes beyond what our lives were like together but we loved each other for so long neither of us would admit it was just Dead and the Waiting was killing both of us.

In more recent relationships and since my Single Mama therapy started I have found myself able to drawn the line quickly and fish or cut bait. But I wonder how much time I wasted in other relationships, even friendships, allowing the dead weight to suck me down before I woke up with seaweed all over my face and that creepy saltwater smell in my nostrils. (I think I need to go fishing...hmm) But in the end I'm realizing that there are certain relationships we hold onto because they are fragile in our minds, more so than they actually are in real life. Like I created with the Bio, this sense of needing to nuture something that was too neglected to thrive in any conditions.

Twirling back to last nights catch up session with my girlie @JaneErik (or Bexx I used to call her)...during my time with the Bio I drifted from good friends to cultivate that dying relationship and to oppress myself with the Dead Waiting. I'm glad Bexx and I have drifted back together after our hiatus. It makes me sad that we spent so much time apart when we could have been there for each other all along. But regrets are not on my list of things to keep in house...so we wash away that feeling with the new feeling of joy that True Friend has been recovered in my long haul of a recovery back to me.

Snail's Pace

There's something I know I have trouble with...taking it slow.

So I'm making January 'Take it Slow' Month. Although my move-in date is January 15th, I've made a game plan to ensure that we move slowly. I've got a whole month to make it easier on the Monkey. He's never lived anywhere other than under this roof with my Folks and this is going to make things tough for his little mind. I've worked so hard to make sure that this is his house and that he feels safe and secure here is his house. And now that is going to change. That is going to be a tough task to handle but I will do whatever it takes to make it work for us.

Second I've resolved to take it slow again with my dating adventures. Prior to HSD I was all about the slow and steady wins the race and taking my time with the Men in my life. He did something to me. He moved something in my soul and now I have to figure out why. On what would hae been our three months together I'm trying to live and let go and move forward. We haven't spoken and/or texted and that's fine with me. So with the new Men who come into my life and the one in particular I've been matched with this month who has caught my eye, I take it slow. No meeting until I'm sure. No phone number exchanging until I know I want to. Taking it slow...

I refused to make certain and concrete resolutions this New Year and yes, it was the first New Year I've made it to Midnight since the Monkey was a baby. But I won't make promises to myself that I can't keep. I told my son I would never do that to him and now I've made a promise to me to do the same.

...as needed.

My life is going through a distinct amount of changes...

1. I need to find a place to live.
2. My job stress has increased
3. New relationship with wicked cool Man
4. Terrible 3's are in FULL effect
5. My Mom is finally asking for help and admitting her health isn't great
6. My Dad is having to see that he can't save us all.

There is so much more, but it's all so dwarfed in comparison to the BIG changes above. I'm learning slowly how to deal with my life and my ability to live it for me and my son but, also I'm coming to grips with the feelings I can have for another person.

Being a single parent is hard. Co-parenting is even harder. Now that I really do need to find an apartment I'm realizing how much I have depended on my parents even to this day to be my Rock and the unwavering center of my universe. They've always made it look easy. Even when they fought it seemed normal and cute and kind of fun. But now they are in need of a life of their own. Time to share and love each other and I see that now that my Dad has admitted he can't always be the one to save Us. And I understand. I love and respect my Dad and have even been proud to be a 'Daddy's Girl' but I adore him even more for being able to tell me that he can't right now be that person for me.

I'm pretty sure the Bio knows I'm moving. My house had a for sale sign in front of it for about a day until we got an offer that is sort of pending. I hate the thought of telling him and admitting that I'm going to be struggling for a while. I don't know how to do this. I don't know because the only time I've lived 'alone' was in college and that was not for long. I always had roommates or the Bio and he took care of the little things. Things I've taken for granted. Stuff I knew was going to come eventually but I've been so busy hiding from them that I didn't stop and think about how it would be.

All this combined with my Monkey finding his 'No' all over again. I wonder how this move will affect him and how We will get through this whole change. I've always been honest with him about change. I tell him the truth about everything. Even when the Bio thinks I give him too much information. How can there bee TOO much information? Kids are smart and the Monkey knows things. I give him the credit he is due. Even at 3 years old he deserves to understand and be in the loop...Hell its our Loop!

And this piece that kills me the most...my Mommy has been so good at hiding her not feeling good. She's been diagnosed with High Blood pressure and given meds to hold off the tide. My Mom is a fighter and I knew something was wrong but she's so good at keeping herself closed off and private. We share a home. She takes care of my kiddo when I'm at work and she's the only person in my life whose always been there for me. Highs and lows. She's always there. It makes me think of my grandmother who died of complications from kidney failure after 5 years of dialysis thanks to Blood pressure and Cholesterol meds...I worry about that being My Mom. The pain, the grief and the sadness...I can't let that happen to her. I won't. I will do what it takes. I will be here for her.

My Mom has been my biggest cheering section in this new relationship with HSD. She has seen me at my lowest and at my most sad. She's cleaned up after me when I've made messes to big to handle and she's been the one person who has always told me 'love is never easy'. When I started seeing HSD she was happier for me than she's ever been and she's never met him...well not yet anyway. I think the hardest part of this new relationship is that we both see it being further than it is but have found ourselves holding back because of our boys. He's not anxious to be in just any relationship but to share his life with someone and so far so good. With my need to move we've both had the same thoughts about sharing space but we know it's not yet the time for that kind of movement. And yet I can see it clear as a bell when I close my eyes and he's near...I can hear, feel and smell what it would be like. Crap even last night all I wanted as to feel him next to me and have that hand on my back searching for me in the dark.

There is a beauty about change that I have never been good about embracing...but it's coming and I hope (and pray...eek) that I can manage to trudge through it with a smile and the words to ask for help as needed.

a Stinky Moment

I love smells. I used to tell the Bio I loved his stink. Without any cologne or anything he stunk so good. But he always insisted on wearing something over that fresh scent and it drove me nuts. I love the way my son's noggin has the sweetest little scent to it after a day of playing outside. I adore how clothes smell after being in the dryer with a Clean Linen dryer sheet. I could go on and on and on...there is just something about the smells around me that can make or break my moment.

With that being said...it's been forever since a Man and his smell made my heart skip and my palms get sweaty. There were days before things got really bad that I could lay in bed and just smell the Bio's side of the bed and be content with my moment. Life is funny. You don't realize you miss those kinds of things until someone brings it back in your life. When it's gone and you don't realize it's not there it's no biggie. Life moves on. I moved on. And last night when I got to HSD's house and he hugged me at the door it hit me like a ton of bricks falling at my feet. I could remember the first hug. The first time the scent was in my head and how it felt when he handed me that Rose while we nervously greeted each other pre-pie. Weeks later it has hit me. I let it in and it felt like something was clicking into place and all the little pieces that have been rattling around in my soul were trying to find where they belonged.

It's moments like those that can really shape the rest of the world for me. I'm not a girl with lofty aspirations for my relationships. I like simple. This moment was simple. It was beautiful.

Another one bites the dust...

Not that I was expecting miracles or wedding bells from Mountain Man but my heart had hope. He was kind and generous when we were together. Coming up with really great things to do with our time together. After my dating fail with Mr. Faith this was big for me. We were on some level connecting and learning about each other in a way that I hadn't ever experienced. We talked about everything and it was for the 3 months...awesome.

On Friday I declared it over. Done. Kaput. Finished. Poof. Yuck.

The long and short of it...he went MIA for two weeks. We talked two days before my birthday, he texted me on my birthday and then nada. I was in contact to try to confirm our plans to celebrate my birthday the following week and NADA. No text. No phone call. Nothing. Not even a gosh darn smoke signal from Reno.

Alright, so I'm not all heartbroken or wallowing in the depths of despair over this semi-relationship ending. After all this was kind of a one-sided ending and I'm not even sure he knows it's over. But, at this point I'm feeling some kind of strange hypnotic power. I think they call it independence (?).

In my relationship with the Bio I was always waiting...waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to call, waiting for him to get off work, waiting for him to grow up and be present in our life together...lots of wating. You get the point. And, I got nothing from it. Just a broken heart and tons of time spent feeling like I was fighting the good fight for two. When really I just needed to be fighting the good fight for ME. I forget about me in most of my relationships with people in general.

I'm a giver. My best friend teases me that as soon as I get into something with someone I check myself at the door. Well not this time, kids. My heart will not be broken by some lame jerk-off who doesn't have the balls to tell me if he's just 'over it' and I will not spend the next 14 days in my 'jamas eating salty foods and pints of ice cream while I mend from the whole ordeal.

I'm done. To quote my pal @laprimera 'Next!'. W00T!!

What would you do with your 'Seven Pounds'?

Yesterday I watched the film Seven Pounds...if you haven't seen it I don't want to ruin it for you so, avert your eyes and read something here or here.

The movie in summation is about a Man whose life takes a turn for the worse and he feels compelled to right the wrong he's done in his life by finding Seven strangers to give very unique gifts. At first I found it tough to follow. What was he doing? Where was he going? But, then I became compelled by his actions. I was drawn in by his desperate desire to give these people who were deserving something of his to make their lives better.

I was confused why anyone would do that. And then as the movie progress from climax to closure, I figured it out or at least confirmed by own suspicions about why a man with seemingly everything would torment himself in this way.

He had suffered an incomprehensible loss. Loss like his makes people do things they would never have imagined doing before. This man had lost part of what made his life whole. But it took death to put a value on that life. It took seeing love destroyed for him to see the love was there. And only after that love was stricken from his life did he find value in those who needed that love...

...do we have to lose love to value it entirely?

The tragic story made me think about the value I put on love. My whole life I have struggled with unconditional love and what it truly is. Does it only come from those whose blood runs through your veins? Can someone who isn't related in the closest form really love me without judgment? I doubt this daily. Without too much heartache my parents, my sister, my aunts and my uncles have loved me. Helped me. Guided me. Given to me when I needed it. Does this happen outside of the bonds of family?

What would I do if I lost the only person who loves me without judgement? Would I take my life and give it to those who are more deserving? Would I be as inspired as this character to find a way to make life right? Would I be humbled by my own vanity?

I don't know.

In the beginning there was...

Alright, so I felt like I needed to explain where/how the Bio and became this complicated duo of non-conversing angst. It all started in the Fall of 1991, yes 18 years ago, I had English class with the most adorable mullet wearing boy I'd ever seen...I was lost from the second he turned around to hand me the class seating chart.

He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss and my first heartbreak...oh, the days of doubling up on socks and teased bangs. Sigh.

We dated for most of Middle School...fast forward to high school. It was a whole different scene and this goody two shoes could not compete with girls who could have boys in their rooms with the door closed and those who had a clue about what 'heavy petting' really meant. My naive mind frame and my desire to figure out what exactly it was I wanted to do with the rest of my life at age 13 created a tension between me and my betrothed.

We broke up just one month into high school...well, he dumped me for some girl who allegedly went 'all the way'. This wretched feeling destroyed my outlook on boys, dating and my plan to marry this boy and have his babies...yes, at that age I thought he was the ONE.

During our tender teen years, we hooked, we were 'just friends' and managed to make each other miserable, all while keeping the friendship going...he was the one person who I could really talk to and be honest with about my feelings...high school was not awful, but it wasn't fun either. It wasn't until the Spring of 1995 when I found out that he was making life choices that I couldn't be a part of...again the Miss Goody Goody in me stomped my foot and walked away. I wrote him and detached myself, prepared to never speak to him again. It worked. He was gone. He was no longer a part of my existence. I pretended he didn't go to MY school...done and done.

Fast forward to December 2003...seven years after high school graduation, I was a rockin' indie chick with travel under my belt and kick bootie job with a non-profit that was ideal for my tree-hugging rocker lifestyle. I was dating the cutest Emo guy on the block and loving my life...then, it happened. One random night strolling the streets of my hometown with my Mr. Emo and there he was sitting on the patio at the Pool Haul I used to frequent as a teenie bopper.

In a heartbeat, my life was upside down and yikes I was that same mushy melty preteen ding dong. We exchanged information and got in touch on and off, but it was until January that we met up for dinner. It was essentially the last supper for me and my indie life...and Mr. Emo went back to New York never to be seen or heard from again. Sigh.

Needless to say, my life was never the same. The Bio had changed from that semi-loser teen who made choices to hurt people and leave them behind, but all I saw was a second chance to make it right and make it work. We were grown-ups and this was different...right? WRONG!! Just because someone chooses to stop elects to choose to change their lifestyle doesn't mean that they have ultimately changed.

The next three years were laced with break-ups and lies and more heartbreaks and tons of pain. It was not really anyone's fault per say...'you just can't go forcing something if it's just not right' (green day). In the end, I was happy to be done with the whole ordeal and ready to move on...I was 27 and still had some of my 20's left to rage like nobodies business.

WAIT! NOPE! That's when I got preggers...just when the relationship was dying on it's own and on it's last leg, my Higher Power gave me a child with the one person I couldn't wait to be away from so, I could begin healing.

So, like the genius' we are we gave it ONE MORE SHOT!! March 13, 2006 is when it ended. I spent the rest of that day in the hospital with bleeding and trying to figure out where I was going to go from here. Oh, wait after the hospital we decided to still live in the same house because of finances and to work on a co-parenting plan and it all seemed so fantastic...and, really it was torture.

My son was born on July 14, 2006 at 8:04am, 8 weeks preemie due to unrelated pregnancy issues (meaning my stress levels were too high for my body to do everything and it panicked). He was only 3lbs. 4 oz and at that point I was done. I packed up my life and moved in with my Mom and Dad...the most amazing people on two feet. (okay four between the two of them)

Today, almost 3 years later, I'm recovering from what I did to ME. I'm working on how to be a co-parent with a person I don't know or understand. I'm working on repairing my financial life and getting on my 'own'. Today I am the Mommy of an amazing little boy who shows me everyday what life is supposed to be...unconditional love, unbelievably fun and above all just living.

I am LiL'Devil Mama...and searching for Deanna Leigh.

Single Mama Survival Guide

I had a ton of posts about random content and found that it was benign and silly...so, it got deleted. Done. Starting over.

I have found that over the last 4 years my life has been a whirlwind of emotion, actions and life experience. Therefore, I should share!! I should get myself up off the perverbial couch and do something with what is swirling around in the captive brain of mine.

I am a 30 year old single Mama...and by choice. My son was almost four months old and I took a look at my life and what is was becoming...then, one big deep breath, a river full of tears later and I left. Packed up what I thought I NEEDED and moved in with my parents.

November 2, 2006 marked the beginning of something...what it was at the time, I didn't know. But, now I'm hear with an almost 3 year old little Monkey and feeling like I am blessed just to know this person I have become and the little man I am guiding through this crazy world.
From today forward, I am going to work on finding a productive way to share how I made it to this point...good job, amazing family and the most precious little boy.
my reason for courage

It's Wednesday.

And, welcome to my garden...

I'm at a loss. I'm feeling like no matter how many times I tend to my side of the 'garden' let's call it...that somehow I have to take Ten Hundred Steps forward to meet somone on level ground.

I've made my choices, I've done my work...yet, I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs...WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

So, for today I look at my garden and wonder...how can the work I did yesterday be undone so quickly?

I've made my peace with the past, and I've chalked it up to experience and water under the bridge. But, now I feel like the bridge still has an occupant that is looking down at the water and going 'hey come back here'! I hate feeling like my life is under a microscope. I am me and nothing more, nothing less...I'm a Mommy, I'm a hard-worker and I love looking in the mirror and liking the woman I see mocking my existence. So, why, oh why does it still feel like there is that little bugger hanging onto my shoulder...messing up my garden?

Yuck. I hate Wednesdays.