the Running Monkey

Yesterday was a doozy! Just as I was settling into my workday routine with my work familia and beginning my workplace morning visit with Mr. BBG and Rachel Stoll about how ridiculous things can be sometimes, I got the dreaded call. The Preschool call. You know whenever the Preschool calls it's never good. I mean if it's not the 'Hey your kid scratched the crap out of Jimmy's face' or 'The Monkey has jumped off the slide again and might need stitches this time'. Okay so yesterday when I got the call from the preschool, I didn't expect to hear the words, 'the Monkey just vomited'. And being my kid it's not like he vomited on the ground or in the play area outside, oh no he did it on the snack table. However, it was right before snack so at least no food was ruined. Right? Hello, major upside.

When I got to the school the kiddo was a limp scrunchy version of himself. Everyone at the school knew he was sick. The Monkey is one of those kids. He talks. He chatters. He will gab your ears off if you let him. My baby had nothing to say about anything. I think the most I got out of him was a whimper.

I know, I know. I never write about Mommy-ness (but I think I'm gonna). But this has got me thinking about my current state of affairs or lack there of for that matter. This little person is the whole of my world. Mostly, I've measure the men who come into my life by how they would interact with not just me but also how they might interact with my Monkey. Yuppers, I do that. I sit across the table from a guy and usually on the first date and picture this person at the park with my kiddo. Creepy because 10 years ago I would have been picturing something totally different happening at the park and there would've been no Monkey involved. But the reality of my life is that there is a Monkey and I wouldn't change that for a thousand more 1st Dates. In fact I love my life. This kid who puked on every single towel and couldn't keep a thing down to save Mr. Blue Clownfishes life yesterday is my Everything. Is that fair to the next Mister? Probably not. It's probably the Kiss of Death to anyone who enters into this Mama's life.

But like my good friends Mr. Charles has always told me, 'the one will stand in line for all the Monkeys in my life and be glad to do it'.

As I finish up the last loads of puke-filled towels and sheets, I can't help but smile at the lot that is my life. I know I'll date again so don't despair fellow daters! However at this point there's a road I need to travel with the little Monkey Man.

xoxo.

Focus!

Here I am again. Post-Something Special and not feeling too worse for wear. Okay it only lasted about two weeks, but it was good for me to figure out how/why/what of me and HSD. It's done. It's over. I'm okay.

I've decided to delete my on-line dating profiles and move forward for minute without them. Does that mean I'm on another one of my dating hiatus'? Eh, I don't know. If I happen to get a date then, Ubber Super Duper. But otherwise I'm going to give myself a chance to breathe and regroup. I'm going to work on my new business venture. http://www.threeminutesinheaven.com/ and who knows maybe meet some fab Speed Dating! Oh and I'm going to save some gold duckets for my trip to Vegas to see Jolene and Melissa, my Blog Sisters and meet other wicked cool bloggers at Bloggers in Sin City!! There's just too much to focus on to sit here in some kind of misery filled grossnes. Not gonna do it. Woo!

I will take this time to focus on the Monkey, the business and the fun to come! Focus, girl!!!

So if any of you would like to take bets on how long it will be before I post my new profiles on POF and OKC, feel free to indulge...but I plan to at least make it through the end of the week.

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And a special thanks to the above mentioned bloggers for guest posting on my and Rachel Stoll's newest venture in Blogging and Speed Dating. Three Minutes in Heaven!!!

Speed Dating!! Mama's Got a Brand New Bag

Once upon a time there were two girl who's explored the world of dating and found that it falls short when you have to browse through pages of people are aren't be real. The write-ups are amusing but boast nothing promising and there are numerous repeat offenders who post pictures that are either old or don't show there face or feature too many people to decipher who is really the person posting the profile. And then there's the 1st dates...need I really delve too deep into that one?? I mean really, do I?

The hilarious part of this story is that we were brought together, or actually thrown together by a building merger at work and thus forced to be office mate's. Like a pair of resistant bachelors she moved into my space and set up shop. Had anyone been a fly on the wall that first week that would not have guessed we'd become Office BFF's and thus spend lunch breaks concocting this new business venture of ours...Three Minutes in Heaven! It's actually pretty awesome how awkward that first couple of weeks were and how we slowly discovered each other penchant for social media and crappy relationship stories. And now what would I do without Rachel Stoll?!?

Where we live, just North of Hollywood in the Santa Clarita Valley, there are not a ton of ideal outings for singles to connect at and really get to know someone. On-line dating brings out a few people here and there, but the tough part I find is that many of our single residence work out of the Santa Clarita Valley and commute home long hours on the blessed 5 Freeway. After batting the idea around over cups of coffee in the morning and then taking a moment to really assess the need for organized events, we have thrown caution to the wind and bring you the newest way to connect with singles in the Santa Clarita Valley...SPEED DATING!!!

I've been dying to try it out. We did a ton of research and found that there weren't many opportunities for this kind of event and who wants to drive to Santa Monica to Speed Date? Not so much. And so this little baby was born of our devious little minds. We're hoping to have a rocking event turn out and would love every one's support!!

Follow us on Twitter! @3minsinHeaven
And check out our blog: http://www.threeminutesinheaven.com/

the Cowboy & the Mama

In the past weekish, I've had a few Dudes from my past make reappearances. Mr. S, Mr. San Diego and the Cowboy all have peaked there head back into my life just at the moment when I was feeling some hopeless angsty-ness over this whole on-line dating thing. I've been waddling through this whole patch of losers and not-so-loser-y gathering of Men and sort of teetering on giving up for now. (I do this like once a month btw) It just seems exhausting and like I don't have the gusto for this kind of thing.

Each of the Oldies had a huge impact on my life during our screen time together in way or another. Each one contributed to the Me I am today in some way, but only way has remained outta my life for giant chunks of time and hasn't really demanded much of Me. There were a couple random run-ins after our final break-up and he's always been one of those guys I was kinda fond of when looking back at our time together. Enter the Cowboy.

Once upon a time, I was young and silly and dated random guys just because they had interesting features. I don't just mean physical but you know things about them that I just couldn't help but find undeniably adorable. With the Cowboy it was for sure his absolutely adorable ability to jump in and out of that sexy Southern Drawl. For certain it happened when he was a few drinks past legal and every once in a while when we were, well you know. Our first meeting was at a bar (4100 Bar). I never got hit on and was with one of my more gorgeous friend's who I would hit on if only I were a Man. When the Cowboy took the stool next to mine I was sort of impressed with myself. He was Hot. He was from Texas...duh, hence the nickname. He was adorable. He followed me to a bar I used to close my nights at during my early 20's on our first meeting and we made out by the payphone in the back by the potties. (the Dresden: FYI not cause of Swingers) Our first real date was awesome. There was sushi. There were shots. There was dancing on chairs. There was a walk down Franklin Avenue. And the best part...watching a fiesta at an infamous porn stars penthouse apartment until the wee hours. Oh and there was hot steaminess as the Sun came up to greet Day 2 of our first official date. From that night on there was six or seven months of it. It ended because I was 7 years younger and he was looking for something else. I was too young. I was not yet the jaded and pessimistic old Lady I am today. I had hopes and dreams and none of them included being tied down at 21-ish. Honestly, I didn't blame him at all.

That time in my life was awesome. He was awesome. It was a great adventure and I cherish it for what it was. Never in a million years would I begin to think I'd see him again in this capacity. Our convo last night was top notch. The Cowboy reminisced about the young girl who couldn't see herself being a Mom let alone living in suburbia with Strip Malls. He loved that I had grown-up. That there was substance to the idealist who used to spout off about love and materialism. He was thrilled that we had so much to catch up on when we meet up for dinner. That's right, we're having a meal together. At this point it will be good to see someone who doesn't blame me for the demise of Western Society, wait I mean their own selfish crap. It will be a new adventure for this Good Time Girl and the Cowboy...as friends. (*wink-wink*)

Hardly the Best...but Last?

I'm not sure I want to write about last night at all. Ugh. I feel like I should though. Just get it out of my head and move forward.

Finally, HSD and I met up for dinner. Well he came to pick me up at my place. There was an instant strangeness about his demeanor. Truly it was odd to me only because his usually chattering shyness was replaced by a silence that I couldn't place. It wasn't the angry silence I was used to from his post-Ex Drama or the Mopey Silence some men fall into when they haven't gotten their way. It was odd. Uncomfortable. Creepy.

We ate dinner at one of my favorite local spots and immediately began consuming Margaritas. It didn't seem to take the edge off the odd feeling in the air. And then it happened. He started talking about the things that went down in December and how he felt about it. This was him getting out the toxic stuff that had probably kept him from being in touch with me after I threw out my Ultimatum. Again he's the only guy I know who does this kind of talking but I wasn't expecting it. It was out of nowhere but I guess needed. After our phone convo earlier this week I though we'd sort of hashed out some of the heinous details of December but again, I'm wrong quite frequently.

The rest of the night we spent talking about all the things we had hoped to have done by now. The things we'd still like to do as individuals (and together maybe) and then back around to the flaws of the finale. I really don't know what to make of it all. It felt like something he needed to do at that moment and I get it. The way I walked out on him in December probably left him stunned and confused. We had become something bigger than either of us had anticipated in such a short time that I imagine it was a shock to the system. Leaving him once again during the Holidays empty-handed and wondering where it went wrong. I know he had a hand in it too. But I'm quite the Bulldog when I've not gotten my way and I want to make a point.

Will I see him again? I don't know at this point. I'd like to. I really would, I won't lie. I missed his face. I missed holding his hand across the table. I missed his nervous laugh and the way he wipes his hands on his pants when he can't figure out what to do with himself. I miss the little things about HSD. The challenge remains...is he ready for Me and can I be grown-up enough to work on how I deal with his Baby Mama drama?

Stay tuned.

Less is NOT More: Dating who you Want

In a previous post about Mr. Disclaimer I started spouting about the Less Than Man. And I've done a lot of thinking about the Less Than Man; or Woman to suit your purposes. And with Hot Single Dad emerging as a part of my life with details to follow our possible Movie Date at mi casa on Friday, I've done even more thinking on the subject.

What is the Less Than Man, you ask? He's (or she's) the guy you settle for because he's got most but not all the qualities you're looking for in a dating partner. They meet some but not all of your likes or wants in the person you share your life with and so you compromise beyond reason to not be alone. How many of you can admit to doing this? I know, I have. I am guilty of it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

See these posts...here and here and here for some insight into the chaos that has been the existence of me.

And so I've been chattering a bit with my close BFF's and the Men in my life who've never entered the realm of dating Me to ask the questions why so many of us settle?

The saddest story sounded like something from the movie version of the great book, He's Just Not that Into You. A good friend of mine admitted he married his now almost ex-wife because they'd been dating for so long he felt he owed it to her. While there was no ultimatum involved he confessed he couldn't just leave her alone. (OMG!! Really?!?) And so now after 6 years of marriage they've both been carrying on relationships with other people for various amounts of time AND she's preggers with someones kiddo. Because of a court order we'll find out in 6 months just who's it is...the Lover in New York or the soon-to-be-Ex-Hubby in Huntington Beach, Cali.

Settling can wreck your life. It can create a relationship based on lies and half-truths. Yes, you might care about that person but does it make it right?

At some point in my life with the Bio, I knew that we weren't right. There was something missing from our equation. I've known it with Mr. San Diego (who I've not written about yet but it's years ago) when he admitted he couldn't imagine changing certain parts of his life. And why would I ask him to? I mean for me? WHY?!?!?

So this Less than Man...yeah him again. He's the guy you look at during convo about his day and wonder 'when's he gonna ask me about mine' and it never happens. He's the guy who lets you 'do you thing' only because he doesn't want to have to go to the wine bar since we all know real men only drink beers. This guy is the guy you look at in the morning and wonder for just a minute how he got there. He's the dude who conveniently forgets important dates and then makes you feel like crap for not reminding. Just when you least expect it he has moments of glory that make you think he's going to change...then, NOPE not so much. He takes all shapes and forms. Ultimately, he's the guy who I've dated that will make the time pass a little quicker because I'm not alone. He's just a smidge too short or he's just a smidge to liberal or he's just a smidge wrong for Me. If as a woman (or man) there are deal breakers no matter how minor they are then we need to stick to our guns and be okay with being on the path to Love alone until we find someone who fits the Order. Now, not that I'm certain Mr. Perfect exists because I know that he doesn't. I'm sure that's what I've learned from this last few months of dating and the interesting variety of men that have come my way. I'm okay with being alone and I kinda like it. Not that I don't have my moments of yearning for someone to cuddle with by the fire on the Monkey-less nights, but I'm good with knowing that I won't settle for a Less Than Man.

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Now to the HSD stuff...we're planning on having a 'Movie Date' on Friday at my house. I've got the Monkey so we've discussed the need for a PG rating on the whole evening and that if after we 'talk' and sort things out we decide to keep moving forward then we'll work out a more Adult Evening soon.

Now how does this play into the Less Than Man? Well here's the deal. HSD was the first guy in my dating life to plan something for Me. I know it went horribly wrong and massively exploded in our faces but he tried. This guy shared a side of me that not even the Bio in our 20 years of knowing each has shown me. The only settling I was doing in that relationship was not being able to just jump into the way we wanted because we both have kiddos to think about. He took me places where his family would be and didn't even flinch when people told him 'your girl's awesome', he just agreed and nodded. He told me things like his days were better when I was around...even when it was twenty minutes for a cup of coffee. SOOO, why did it end you ask? It was truly a compound fracture of things and thoughts and sadness. I yelled and hit the road. Was it he best reaction given the convo's we'd had about everything that was really at the Core of our lives. We are single parents. We are parents. We really dig each other.

Now here we are. And I don't see him as a Less Than Man even with all the stuff in between. Drama aside he's different still. The Drama can't define us as individuals or even as a couple. I've learned a lot in therapy. (Praise the Therapy Gods) And I've possibly got a second chance at this with someone who managed to fall into my Life in the midst of this tragedy that is on-line dating.

We'll see what tomorrow night brings...

HSD Returns: Cape Not Included.

And we're back...

Hot Single Dad whom officially I let go of back in December (see post here and here) of 2009 has made a resurgence into my life. All with one stupid text, he's back. Okay not officially back but he's made it clear that he 'misses me'. Now the mind reels with thoughts of the how and why after all this time does he miss me now??? There were obvious reasons I exited the relationship. There were still outright issues with why I couldn't hack it. It was my view of the situation that led me away and not looking back. From what I could see there was still some feelings leftover about the Baby Mama and the drama the always sprouted from their interactions.

But now, is this a second chance at a first impression? I don't know. I'm not sure. I can't even begin to say. I'll admit my heart jumped into my throat at the sight of his name on my phone attached to a text. However, my head is still cautious of what went down before. I guess I'll just have to play it calm and be collected over the whole thing. Afterall, there's a reason I let him walk in the first place and that may not have changed...right?

Either way I heart him still...so, I'll keep y'all posted.

Save the Drama for your Mama.

After my post yesterday about Mr. Disclaimer and the great comments from my homegirls @SingleMomSays, @tbdetermined_09, @TsQuest and my newest Twitter pal @runpippirun I felt great about my choice to nix the Douche in the Bud. Well then the BFF got involved...okay not by choice but Mr. Disclaimer dragged her into the drama of which I was not wishing to participate in. Bottom line. Part of the deal for this last weekend was he thought his roomie would be interested in meeting my BFF and so therefore we agreed to at some point during our getting to know each other to introduce them. Gravie! No problem-o. I'm all about sharing the Love Wealth and getting my friends hooked up...heck I've been responsible for 3 successful-ish relationships and they admit were it not for me and my Cupid-esque involvement it would never have been! HA!

I digress.

With all this in mind now, here comes the kicker. Mr. D searched out my friend on POF to not only explain his side of the story BUT to ask her if she was still interested in his roomie. I know, I know...you're all thinking, "OMG! Douche Bag!!"...right??? Well the worst part of it is I think he swayed my friend to see his side and she even said she 'felt bad' and 'maybe it was all a miscommunication?'. Apparently, he 'explained' that he was just not sure about his plans and that he was 'in touch with me as soon as he knew'. Umm, knew what? That at 3pm (on the same day) he'd been sitting on his ass at home probably drinking beers and decided that he would invite me for our First Date Do-Over to a shitty Sports Bar in my home town? Or was it that he assumed I'd be sitting around painting my friggin' nails while I waited with baited breath for his text?!! PLEEAAASSEEE!!!

This whole episode has gotten me thinking about Boundaries and the best word ever R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Should you really have to explain to a man, or anyone for that matter, that it's a prerequisite to loving you? That there are certain things that are not okay and other things that he/she/him/it/her/they should just know/do/get? In my honest thinking I feel like an evolved man/woman/it/them with a comfort level in him/herself should just know these are common desires of every human being. Am I at all off-base here? While I think my BFF gets this in general too often those of us who deeply desire to be loved and are getting slowly exhausted by the Life Suck, that occurs during Dating in general. And we start to make excuses and be fooled by the Less Than Man/Woman/IT. By the Less Than I don't mean that there's anything wrong with them in general, just simply that these people are comfy where they are and don't really wanna change. They are Less Than what a person is really looking for and too often we make excuses for them. Like me with Mr. S and making excuses for his lack of ability to be monogamous with anyone. I allowed him to come into my life and bring joy and happiness but with the conditions that we remain incognito with our affair. He was one of my Less Thans and trust me I've had nothing but Less Thans since I started dating.

And so with all that out there...YES, Mr. D is for sure a Less Than. A man who won't make plans with me for a date and then refuses to meet me halfway for a drink at a place just because it's not his 'thing' is a Less Than. There is probably a woman who is okay with only going out for Beers and never doing anything but playing pool and hanging out at Sports Bars, sadly that's not me. I need a Dude-Man who can culture-it-up now and again but still get down and dirty. Too much to ask for in a person? Eh, me thinks not. Will I ever find the perfect mix of a guy who can fill my tall order? That remains to be seen.

Argh.

Mr. Disclaimer & the Comfort Zone.

Let me start off by admitting that I'm confused about this situation. There is something about having your global group of friends not agree on an issue that leaves this Single Mama unsettled and unsure. But at the same time, I feel good about my choice. Ugh and so forth. The factions are divided on whether or not I was too hard on Mr. Disclaimer and his lame attempt at trying to date me.

Rewind to last week around Wednesday, I texted Mr. Disclaimer to arrange plans for Saturday since I would be Monkey-less and we could have our official 1st Date Do-Over. He informed me he had a Softball Tourney and so he would be busy until late. The next few days went without confirmation that we could hang out after his games and so by Friday night I was making plans with my BFF to grab a bite and have a mellow evening of girl chatter. Groovie and totally called for.

Then came Saturday...my parents are moving at the beginning of April and given their dedication to help me do my own thing I feel like it's only right I spend as much of my free time helping them move as possible. And that's what I was doing when Mr. Disclaimer texted me at 3pm to find out what me and the BFF were up to for the evening. Now here's where it gets sketchy for me. I was not only confused since he had made such a stink about the Softball thingy he had already on schedule but he had several chances throughout the week to make plans to hang out with me. The evening proceeded and I went on to get ready for dinner with my BFF and make tentative after plans to meet up at a local wine bar with friends after dinner. There was at some point a random invite from Mr. Disclaimer to some wings place in the town where I grew up, and let me tell that this is top on my list of things to do on a Saturday night. Yes, every girl wants to visit her hometown for the possibility of running into high school friends!! Since I was miffed about the lack of consideration on his part, I went about my plans and had a great Indian meal and then on to a local wine bar that provided great entertainment in the form of a pretty good band and their patrons.

Yes, I was miffed. I volleyed back and forth about whether to give him a pass. I mean I'd already given him the one for being a little drunkie on our first encounter. So this seemed like a long shot. Not to mention I'd made the effort to make plans! Crap.

The texting continued. More Crap. I let him know where we were at around 10pm after a glass of wine or two (I was feeling generous with him at that point) and that they could meet us there as an alternative and sort as a second chance. The responses are what were driving me nuts. He couldn't, or I should say wouldn't come meet us with his buddy at the wine bar but suggested WE meet them for a beer! Even went as far as to make a princess reference. Alright this is where I started getting pissed...MEET ME HALFWAY DOUCHE BAG! And the finale was the text asking me to invite him over for a 'movie or something'. I mean really?!? I know we'd had some intimate convos about past relationship and appetites and so forth but really?!? He asked me to invite him over...TO MY HOUSE! There are just so many things wrong with that picture. Right?

With all this now being said and done and chatting this morning with @rachelstoll and unnamed Co-worker who I'd still love to nickname 'Mr. Broken Butt Guy' (he has an injury and it appears that name would be short lived) I get it. Mr. Disclaimer is/was just not willing to do the real work to see Me. He was looking for easy outs and plans that involve him settling into his comfort zone (Beer is apparently his comfort zone) and not actually having to do anything out of his element (the Wine Bar would have been too much apparently). While 10 years ago I easily would have dropped my plans and finished my drink to meet him for that beer, and giggled about how cute it was that he was nervous and/or insecure, the woman I am today is not up for that crap. She's just not. Honestly, I kept wondering what they hell was wrong with this picture? Now I see it and had this confirmed by Unnamed Coworker and @rachelstoll, if a guy wants to see me there should be some effort on his part. He should be able to make plans with me and if he really wants to see me he will make it happen. NO MATTER WHAT. And while compromise is important there are lines that have to be drawn for one's own sanity.

What will I take away from this experience? It takes all kinds to learn about who I am and what I'm willing to work around. Had there been tentative plans made prior then a text on Saturday would have sufficed but he was pretty clear that he'd be too busy. And so I'm pretty confident now to declare I am not okay with being the girl (okay woman) who sits around waiting for a Dude to get a clue. Just not gonna happen.

Date #12564: Meeting Mr. Disclaimer

Disclaimer: This may very well be the worst post ever. I am exhausted and can't think clearly. Eck.

First dates kill me. I don't get ubber nervous once I'm on the verge but I do tend to over plan and need the person I'm meeting up with to be on the ball. Honestly I go into this sort of stealth mode and have to make sure that my head is in the game. Be honest. Be yourself and don't let'em see the whites of your eyes on the 1st date. Heehee.

It's not too much to ask for that the person you're meeting has there crap together, right? So yeah there are very few times when I feel the need to let things go. You know flex and give a smidge for the other person. At least not when it comes to first impressions..if you're going to flake on the first date, why bother?

So Mr. Disclaimer and I set up our first date yesterday morning and by 3pm it was all but cancelled. This Mister has a techie job that requires him to be at work during these times of crisis and so he let me know that our first meeting was most likely going to be delayed to the weekend. Already we know I am forever the pessimist optimist in these situations and am always coming up with alternative reasons for How, What, Where and Why of it all. Oy to the over thinker.

With that being said this Mama was not going to let a good babysitter go to waste and crap if I cancelled on her at that point I would have felt obligated to pay her anyway! I know, I know. In the heat of frustration and denial that this was really not going to happen the way I wanted it to, I called on my BFF and had her meet me for Girl Dish and a Beer...oh and a yummy spinachy dip thingy. Since I'm me and I was of course checking my phone for babysitter updates (she rocks btw) and/or news from Mr. Disclaimer the air was filled with a F*%k this Attitude. Nada, nada tostada from the Mister by 8.30pm so I was ready to call it night. Needless to say the girl talk strayed into the obscene amount of bad, very bad and horrific dates we've had over the last almost year of on-line dating. It was laughable and I think it even earned me a free beer on the tab. (Did I mention I got carded too!)

There were moments I wanted to crush his 6'5" frame with my tiny fingers and cast a plague on his dating life forever more. But there was still this itty bitty spark of hope that eventually I'd meet this guy and he wouldn't be a total douche. After all he had explained last week that his job at this point was a clusterf*ck and he was spending many a night there until the wee hours...oh and he works 50 miles away from the crap town we live in...so yeah I had been warned.

9.40pm: He calls me. He's on his way. Should he still come by? He'd be there in about 15 minutes.

He showed up at a smidge after 10pm and I had to be home to relieve the babysitter by 10.30pm. Needless to say I was excited to meet him. The BFF gave him Brownie Points for even showing up after I gave him a pass on the whole evening. So here's where it gets amusing...he was visibly nervous. I mean like eye contact avoidance nervous. And he appeared to have had a few at work...apparently for nights like this one they drink to keep the night from getting too dull. Eh, I'd have a shot or two at work on certain days...if I wasn't terrified of losing my job and we all know Mama needs her job. So yeah. I've got to be honest...seeing this Giant Man so nervous and flustered was kinda adorable and fun to watch him squirm in my presence. I mean really, it's just me? Okay and my BFF which had to have added to the level of stress.

Down to the brass taxes...I'm going to see him again. Hopefully, without my BFF and before we've had any chance to consume adult beverages on our own. This first meeting was just one of those things and I don't think it was an accurate portrayal of who we are individually. There is great phone conversation and chemistry so I think I have to allow this one to just slide. There is something about this guy I have to uncover. (heehee...I wrote uncover) Not that I feel I owe him anything at all! But I feel like I owe it to myself to get to core of what's really going on. From our phone chats I've learned this guy has had a string of relationships he's stayed in for the simple fact that he doesn't want to be the 'Bad Guy' who makes a girl cry. Especially if he really does like and have affection for that person. So there is something more there that I didn't get to witness last night in our 40 minute Date, and so I will venture out on the 2nd date this weekend possibly.

I'm not sure if it's my usual glutton for punishment thing or if this guy really does have potential...we'll see.

Pessimist Walking

Back in the saddle...

I will not even summarize my last date and the drama that ensued over it...pointless. Don't even read about it unless you want a good laugh at how some guy's just don't know how to respond to honesty. Oh and a girl with a life. Bah.

I've decided to throw caution to the wind. Even when the nagging voice in my brain starts to yank me away from a profile because of distance or circumstance I contact the Object anyway. Yes, I just referred to the men of POF and OKC as Objects. Given my post on the Order of Operations, it seems appropriate that I call them the Objects of my desire. Eh, it's a loose excuse but let's go with it for now.

So I contacted one guy for the simple fact he had a 'Disclaimer' on his profile...and once I get his permission I will share the whole thing but for the most part it was in reference to all the bad dates he has experienced during his time on POF. What?!? Guys have bad dates?!? Weird but yes it happens. And this gave me some great food for thought. I've had recent dates with Men-kind who have not shared about losing major weight versus the picture on-line, the guy who forgot to mention he had a beard in real-life for his pilgrimage to Burning Man and well, I could go on and on...

So this got me to thinking...every time I don't hear from a guy after the 1st date, and no this doesn't happen often, is it because I was not what they expected? Or because we didn't gel? And not because they are giant selfish douche bag's with no class? Or maybe a bit of both? Eh, it remains to be seen. But with information comes perspective and the sharing last night got me to thinking...this plight is not just that of the woman folk.

Mr. Disclaimer as he will henceforth be known as we begin our journey of getting to know each other had some salacious stories about dating mishaps and disappointments. I must admit we had a great time sharing our misadventures over the phone...so much so I even almost cried. And yes we laughed at all the crap that people throw in their profiles to try to snag the attention of their own Object. What really shocked me was how I'd never had this conversation with other Men who'd been so affected by the misuse of a Hot cousin's picture or the sudden change in verbal skills to some form of jacked up slang. I've never heard a guy express how truly these experiences had impacted his dating life. And he's come up with a formula...I kid you not! A set of questions to decode our woman speak and get down to brass taxes...and all over email. Of course I shared my lack of faith in just a few questions giving him enough insight into the real person behind the pic of the girl with the giant hair...ha! You thought I'd say Lips! Ha.

So we went over and over the question and answer emails we exchanged over the last few days...

1. What do you think your 2 best and 2 worst physical qualities are?

2. How about your 2 best and 2 worst personality traits?

3. Favorite drink? Doesn't matter what kind alcohol or not.

...so I thought about this for a bit while we chatted...and I got his point. A woman who likes herself won't point out that she has giant breasts if they are blatantly visible in her profile pics. Nor will she deny answering the questions if she's really secure in the fact that she's got best and worst physical qualities and is really okay with them. Apparently, I came off self-loving (dirty girl) and he liked my answers off the bat...because I picked honest attributes and not something I thought he wanted to hear. That's just not me. I want someone to love and adore this girlie for all her strangeness.

I think it's true dating is about finding what fits you. Like looking for the illusive great pair of jeans. You can try on 100 pairs in a day of feverish shopping and still not find the right one.

Every time I do this thing over and over again, I discover something new about me and what I am willing to compromise or stick firm on. I like Mr. Disclaimer's honesty and ability to have a life of his own...oh and he's a giant. But all-in-all I like that he's showing me a new side to this dating junk that is enlightening my previous beliefs that all men do is line up dates and knock'em out. Okay well maybe most men do. Ugh. Pessimist Walking.

the Order of Operations...for Daters.

Back to the show...dating. It's all a show, right? While I've been suffering from a bit of the downers I feel like I need to do something to pull myself out of it. Argh.

A few weeks ago? Days ago? There was an ubber neato convo on Twitter about dating and how Men seem to skip, very often, from the "Hi, Nice to meet you" chatter to the "What color are your unders?" interrogation. After @theurbandater probed me about my response to @singlemom75 on the 'Order of Operations' of dating and what I meant, I was inspired to Blog about the topic. Plus, I'm bored...Soooo.

The basics as I think it is are three pretty easy steps in the process, with of course tons of in between crapola for you to decided based on your desires:

1. Meet and begin process of getting to know Object of Desire


2. Decide whether said Object can hold your interest and begin diving deeper into Object in question.


3. Express desire to get in Object's pants with the beginning of physical interaction.

Alright now the time frame is none of my stinking business and sometimes you find someone intriguing enough to through all the steps in a day, a week or even a weekend. Whatever floats your boat!! But, most Men I'm finding in my experience (and with special shout out to daters on POF and OKC) have no issue with expressing a desire to jump into the pants after Step 1 in the Order Of Operations and before even meeting my adorable self.

I find this amusing mostly, but on some days it's downright flustering and annoying. I'm not searching for a guy to 'heat up my sheets' whenever the mood strikes him. And to be honest I don't have the time allotted in my schedule for that crap. We all know that dating is a rigorous game of cat and mouse and chase the tail (some pun intended) but can't Men read the stupid profile before messaging for 'Mommy lovin'...I kid you not, I've gotten that one a few times!!

I've lived that role before. I've been the girl/woman/lady seductress who was out for just a romp in the sack. All of course pre-Monkey, but those days seem so lost and lacking something key in my current lifestyle make-up. Connection. Respect. Appreciation. I could go on I suppose.

This of course prompted a conversation with Mr. New Guy about past sexual experiences and he's had plenty come to find out. And for a minute I questioned my ability to accept his past and keep up with the getting to know you part of this relationship. (we have not met yet) But is it my job to accept his past? Give him absolution for his sins of having one too many 3-somes as a 20-something? Eh, not really. Right? I'm up for getting to know him as he is today and not based on his past escapades. But he admitted he's been that guy. The one he doesn't even want to know a name or number and just wants the bottom line.

So as a woman whose desire to is to find the elusive One, I can't help but get frustrated when I get contacted by the Dude who only wants to 'show me his special place'. It's ridiculous and gross to a point. Maybe if I were of the mind frame that anything goes I'd appreciate his candid approach to soliciting some bootie.

I read a great post from Jessica Downey of all the single ladies that inspired me to finish this post about the Order of Operations for Daters. Ultimately, making the choice to 'hit the sack' with a guy before getting to know him is a choice that a woman must make for herself or a man for himself. Right? I'm just more concerned about the delivery of the proposition.

Do we need Men to pretend to be interested before we feel okay with immersing ourselves in the standard 'one night stand'? Or is it preferable to cut to the chase and get the ball rolling?

the Social Worker of Dating

After my last post and the previous one about being a shallow Mama I've done some recon work on my dating habits...and tons of chatting with Mr. Office Friend (best I can do and I refuse to call him Broken Butt Guy) and Ms. Office mate, I've decided I just can't do it. I will not meet Mr. N (nor will I translate what that name really means).

Yes, everyone deserves a chance at love but not necessarily with me. It's sad to a point but I've been here before. The recovering addict, the not-so-recovering-hobby-guy, the flip-flop-wearer (aka Mountain Man), the triathlete who was late to our date because he had to finish his training, HSD and of course there are SO many others! I've allowed myself to date Men based on 'giving them a chance'. Everyone deserves an opportunity at love, right? Okay yes they do but at the expense of my integrity and joy...NO, damn it not this time. I was hedging on meeting up with this guy who I'm not even really into because I don't want to be too shallow and not be nice. I can't keep being the Social Worker of dating and giving every last Man without a Woman a chance at love in spite of mixed emotions and misgivings.

Do I feel bad? Is this a mistake? Not this time my friends. No, not this time. I think it's freeing that I am making this choice. Based on my past misery and the future I desire it's a valid choice and I'm making it for me. Not for someone else and not to appease the random friend God's who think I'm not 'as deep as they thought'. And yes I am shallow. So there. Bah on those who think they are not. I want to be attracted instantaneously to the man I'm dating and that is not wrong! Jeepers.

If I'm just not feeling it then I need to address that in the beginning and not wait around for some bigger reason to break the heart of a would be Love. Better to spare everyone the heartache and panic attacks that go along with that kind of dating. It's painful and stressful and no one is left feeling good about anything. And someone ends up sad and alone and how is that fair? It's not, duh.

Alright I'm done venting...I feel better.

Jump the Line

There have been men folk in my life who I have thought were the Great Love of my life and then sadly some kind of smash-bang-boom occured and the end came. Thus destroying the possibility of that Great Love fantasy. Boo!! Alas enter the dreaded word...Dealbreaker.

Every so often there is the re-entry of the One who I push away repeatedly. He's sweet and sarcastic. He adores me for every little thing about me. He is basically the Ideal candidate for loving the Mama. Truly I adore him. I do. And here comes the other dreaded word...BUT there's a Dealbreaker I have not ever been able to get past. I won't share entirely but it involves a hobby,  I can't approve of because I AM A Mama. It's not strippers or porn or something silly like that because I get that hobby. Don't necessarily appreciate it but I get it. Men are visual learners, end of story and it's kind of cute now that I'm older and get it.

In a time when women are again looking for their 'Happy Ending' with or without a man, I wonder what lines we should or shouldn't cross for love...or to be loved by someone unique? In my circumstances today, as a Mama, there are lines I draw to keep my son's life happy and healthy and as drama-free as possible. And yet comprimising my own desires and needs doesn't seem like that large of a sacrifice for the greater good of my future world and the little man in my life, I wonder if I'm being extreme in my line drawing?

I've walked away from guys who 'seemed' to have it all wrapped up just because there were aspects of their lifestyle and/or thinking didn't mesh with my ideal pursuit of the Man who would share in my little family. This one in particular I cruised away from when I realized that my driving 300 miles back and forth to see him was not productive for me (and the kiddo) and on top of that his hobby of choice would impact my own personal lifestyle choice. Oh and I think MySpace was involved in some way, but I digress. I'm the first person in the room to tell a girlfriend it's better to know that people are inherently good but don't expect them to change for you. It's just not healthy, in my opinion, for people to have to fit into cookie cutter imprints designed by a prospective mate. And so I remain single and smirking at every text that comes across from this former-Almost-Great-Love in my life and know that deep in my heart he's there wading through all the mish-mash of adoration but I don't see Me making the step to accept his hobby, nor do I see him changing for Me and I don't want him. Admittedly, it would be a whole different ball of waxy goodness if I was not the LiL'Devil Mama...but I am and the Love of my Life (aka the Monkey) comes before all others.

What lines should we draw, erase or cross to be loved and to love?

Deep End & the Height Matters Update...

In my most recent posts here and here I've been struggling a lot with personal issues...past and present. Work is tough. Dating sucks. Or not dating for that matter. Being a Mama is the only upside. Co-Parenting is my daily reminder that my life will never be the same. I could go on and on and on...

But this weekend I moved into my new townhouse. My Dad-Man helped me out with the deposit and was one of four people who helped me move me into my new place. It's amazing. Okay so even though there are and have been a few on-going glitches in the new place it's Mine and the Monkey's new Casa. I'm currently decorating so pics will certainly follow later in the week. It's my new haven for creativity. It's where I will blossom and flourish. Thanks to inspiration from my gal pal @SHSingleMama I'm working on finding something I can do to get my mind back into the Land of Artsy Fartsy.

I won't jump off the Deep End.There won't be any jumping up and down yelling at the Bio for being a 'tard when I needed his support. I won't quit my job even though I'm not feeling it right now. I won't give up on my passions and hobbies that have fallen by so neglected.

I'll turn away from the Deep End while carrying the Monkey off to the Zoo or Kidspace and ride off into the Sunset...

Snail's Pace

There's something I know I have trouble with...taking it slow.

So I'm making January 'Take it Slow' Month. Although my move-in date is January 15th, I've made a game plan to ensure that we move slowly. I've got a whole month to make it easier on the Monkey. He's never lived anywhere other than under this roof with my Folks and this is going to make things tough for his little mind. I've worked so hard to make sure that this is his house and that he feels safe and secure here is his house. And now that is going to change. That is going to be a tough task to handle but I will do whatever it takes to make it work for us.

Second I've resolved to take it slow again with my dating adventures. Prior to HSD I was all about the slow and steady wins the race and taking my time with the Men in my life. He did something to me. He moved something in my soul and now I have to figure out why. On what would hae been our three months together I'm trying to live and let go and move forward. We haven't spoken and/or texted and that's fine with me. So with the new Men who come into my life and the one in particular I've been matched with this month who has caught my eye, I take it slow. No meeting until I'm sure. No phone number exchanging until I know I want to. Taking it slow...

I refused to make certain and concrete resolutions this New Year and yes, it was the first New Year I've made it to Midnight since the Monkey was a baby. But I won't make promises to myself that I can't keep. I told my son I would never do that to him and now I've made a promise to me to do the same.

New Notes.

As the Saga of my On-line dating continues and is just taking shape, I've decided I need to jump right back on the horse (so to speak). But with more caution and less gusto. I'm a gusto kind of girl...jump with both feet into whatever is right in front of me. Like I really want short hair right now, so I cut my own bangs. Sometimes I look before I leap but most times I just LEAP! My cautionary dating tales could fill a book of Don't and maybe some day they will...but for now, let's stick to today.

With HSD firmly out of the picture as a dating dude I'm back on eHarmony (only cause I have 29 days left on my subscription) and found that after wading through the 87 matches that built up over the 2 months of dating HSD I only found 1 match to have any promise. Strangely this wasn't one of those moments where I *sighed* and thought about just calling HSD and throwing in the towel. My towel is still on the hook.

Today I have no delusions of grandeur for this new match...I'm not even going to name him yet. I'm just going to enjoy the first notes we've sent each other on-line and after I meet him in person I will pick a name and decide what to do. Thusfar, he's seems like a great guy. Down to the point looking for someone to 'unconditionally love' with no 'strings attached'. I won't jump into this as quickly as I did with HSD, I've learned from that and I loved it. Every year since I became a Single Mom I've learned something new about Me and what I truly want and while HSD is so many of those things, I deserve the whole package. Right? Duh.

So 2009 has taught a few things about me...that I can handle the Bio being in a relationship and actually like him better when he's in one and not focused on my life. There are things I can do on my own and should have done years ago! Like getting a place of my own. I'm the best Mama I can be even on days when I think I suck. Mama can date and let go of someone in spite of the love in my heart because it's not good for me.

Big Girl Steps.

2010...all I ask is that we work together and not against each other.

the Morning After

I've been drinking coffee all friggin' day...thanks to my late night. There is something painful and therapeutic about coming back to work after a terrible vacation break and knowing it will put things in perspective. I needed to be here this week. Despite my deep desire to extend my time away from the office. I love my job.

My office mate embraces my crazy rambling and caffeinated lifestyle and we even share coffee duty. (I bought a maker for the office) This is the place where I started to work on finding Me...again. It's tough but I knew running up and down the stairs during production and keeping up with the crazy Time Zone conference calls would make the move away from HSD more palatable. And while this is just my place of work, these people know Me. They can sense when there is a Disturbance in the Force and some of my closest friends are here (like Yet-To-Be-Named-Coworker). Some may find it a smidgen pathetic but when I traded in the Bio for my freedom, I traded a lot of my really good friends too. When I left, they left too. Pooh on them.

After last night I don't feel so bad. I'm not at all the wreck I had planned on being and I have not shed a single tear. Perfectly did this whole part of my life simply come to a close and without much fanfare or even the hint of depression on the forefront. I'm just me today. Single still but me. And that isn't so bad. I thought if HSD and I ever ended it would devastate my very core and shake up everything around me...but knowing what I know today about him and his life and the work he still needs to do, I'm not sure my life is as shaken as his possibly is with the news.

Love can only do so much for someone. And I'm only human.

'tis time to say goodnight

I don't have the energy to write a whole big blow out post...but HSD and I are on hiatus for the time being...whatever the f*%k that means.

The Man who Feels.

**It has taken me 3 days to get this together

There are times when I'm not the looniest person in the room. But there are times when I am the only person in the room who gets what is happening. I take pride in my ability to see my surroundings for what they are and just be there. And yet there are those times when I'm the only person in the room who just doesn't get it...and never will.

Sunday was my Monkey-less day and night. I made plans. Kept myself busy. Got my hair done. Went to dinner with my Best Friend. Tried my hardest not to glance at my phone every moment I thought I heard it ding. While sharing horror dating stories and drinking some pretty darn good wine it happened...Contact. HSD made contact. My heart had hoped it would happened but my head was starting to move logic into play and this was a shock.

Three days sans contact and here it was...starring at me from the screen of my shiny new Moto phone. At first I panicked and then I went pee. My BF (Steph) helped me figure out how to respond...what to do with so little information. My head spun. My hands got sweaty. My heart hurt.

Twenty minutes later I agreed to meet him. He asked to see me. I was dying to know why. To rip into him and not let up until he felt as awful as I had for three days.

I went home and changed. I let my head be sensible and smart. I would not fall for the rantings of a jerk-off as I had with the Bio who made up excuses and weaseled his way back into my heart time-and-time again. I would be honest for me.

When I got to his house I felt something different. Panic. Pressure. Fear. Not the usual excitement and comfort I usually felt when I arrived for date nights. I wanted to cry instantly. He answered the door and what I saw in front of my eyes was like a flick between the eyes. He was not the same Man I had seen a week earlier. He was unshaven. He looked awful. He looked tormented. My head screamed at me to leave and not let him in...he would only hurt me. But I thought about what my dear friend @FeministBreeder wrote in response to my last post:

"Just keep your heart open, and go easy on yourself."

I needed to go easy on me and by the looks of him, he needed me to listen and keep my heart open. I sat down. I told him everything but not in the original planned rip-his-heart-out-so-he-can-see-it-beating-in-my-hand but in the YOU need to hear me and understand me tone that I've gotten really good as using on the Monkey. He told me the truth...he gets down (depressed) and shuts down and after my text that day he felt it was better to let it pass before he saw me or talked to me. He was sorry and he wasn't trying to hurt me. He hugged me and I knew he meant it. There wasn't that fire alarm signal going off in the back of my head like the first time the Bio pulled that on me. This Man was not pulling shit on me. He was being honest with me about something he finds has been a problem in the past.

There are times like this last week that I think that I am the only one with issues. The only one who gets sad or wants to stay at home all day in my 'jamas. I didn't ever for a minute think that this Man would be like that. Or that he would need me to be the one to tell him it's okay. I got used to being the one who was broken and looking for a Man who would be the strong survivor to make everything alright. But I am not broken. I am human. I have feelings and pitfalls and so does He. This is a lesson I never thought I'd learn and not like this.

Why do we assume that Men don't feel like this? I mean honestly, after seeing him for all these weeks and then seeing him on Sunday I felt something closer to respect for him than I've ever felt for any other Man. He put his sadness out in front of me. With the Bio I had all the alarms and bells and whistles to not believe him. He made things up. He was not truthful to protect me. He looked out for only him. This was not the same.

I stayed all night with HSD and he took care of me and I took care of him. We took care of each other and it felt normal. In the morning I felt him rollover to snooze the alarm clock and kiss me on the forehead. It was bliss in a moment that I hope we can repeat without all the tears and the flu in my noggin. On my drive home I went to the doctor...and then spent two days in bed thinking about how it felt to share one with him.

We'll see. All I can do is be here and now...and trust my heart.