New Notes.

As the Saga of my On-line dating continues and is just taking shape, I've decided I need to jump right back on the horse (so to speak). But with more caution and less gusto. I'm a gusto kind of girl...jump with both feet into whatever is right in front of me. Like I really want short hair right now, so I cut my own bangs. Sometimes I look before I leap but most times I just LEAP! My cautionary dating tales could fill a book of Don't and maybe some day they will...but for now, let's stick to today.

With HSD firmly out of the picture as a dating dude I'm back on eHarmony (only cause I have 29 days left on my subscription) and found that after wading through the 87 matches that built up over the 2 months of dating HSD I only found 1 match to have any promise. Strangely this wasn't one of those moments where I *sighed* and thought about just calling HSD and throwing in the towel. My towel is still on the hook.

Today I have no delusions of grandeur for this new match...I'm not even going to name him yet. I'm just going to enjoy the first notes we've sent each other on-line and after I meet him in person I will pick a name and decide what to do. Thusfar, he's seems like a great guy. Down to the point looking for someone to 'unconditionally love' with no 'strings attached'. I won't jump into this as quickly as I did with HSD, I've learned from that and I loved it. Every year since I became a Single Mom I've learned something new about Me and what I truly want and while HSD is so many of those things, I deserve the whole package. Right? Duh.

So 2009 has taught a few things about me...that I can handle the Bio being in a relationship and actually like him better when he's in one and not focused on my life. There are things I can do on my own and should have done years ago! Like getting a place of my own. I'm the best Mama I can be even on days when I think I suck. Mama can date and let go of someone in spite of the love in my heart because it's not good for me.

Big Girl Steps.

2010...all I ask is that we work together and not against each other.

the Morning After

I've been drinking coffee all friggin' day...thanks to my late night. There is something painful and therapeutic about coming back to work after a terrible vacation break and knowing it will put things in perspective. I needed to be here this week. Despite my deep desire to extend my time away from the office. I love my job.

My office mate embraces my crazy rambling and caffeinated lifestyle and we even share coffee duty. (I bought a maker for the office) This is the place where I started to work on finding Me...again. It's tough but I knew running up and down the stairs during production and keeping up with the crazy Time Zone conference calls would make the move away from HSD more palatable. And while this is just my place of work, these people know Me. They can sense when there is a Disturbance in the Force and some of my closest friends are here (like Yet-To-Be-Named-Coworker). Some may find it a smidgen pathetic but when I traded in the Bio for my freedom, I traded a lot of my really good friends too. When I left, they left too. Pooh on them.

After last night I don't feel so bad. I'm not at all the wreck I had planned on being and I have not shed a single tear. Perfectly did this whole part of my life simply come to a close and without much fanfare or even the hint of depression on the forefront. I'm just me today. Single still but me. And that isn't so bad. I thought if HSD and I ever ended it would devastate my very core and shake up everything around me...but knowing what I know today about him and his life and the work he still needs to do, I'm not sure my life is as shaken as his possibly is with the news.

Love can only do so much for someone. And I'm only human.

'tis time to say goodnight

I don't have the energy to write a whole big blow out post...but HSD and I are on hiatus for the time being...whatever the f*%k that means.

the BUT might have it.

In May of this year, I started on-line dating. After much thought (and kicking and screaming) I threw in the towel and decided I wasn't going to meet my Unconditional sitting on the fence between my old life and the one I've been trying to live for the past 4 years. I signed up for like every friggin' site...free, not free and some I don't remember. I moved away from thinking that being a Single Mama was it for me....I decided to move towards letting love in. I moved forward.

And this brings me around to another move I'm having to make for the greater good of the unit, Me & the Monkey (& the Parental Units)...I found a home for the Monkey and I. It will eat up most of my monthly income and not leave much for extras but my Parents deserve to retire from raising Me and I need to create my own space. It dawned on me while deciding to lease this tiny and adorable townhouse that I have NEVER lived on my own. EVER...

When I was 21 I finally went away to college...single and away. When I was 22 I went from the dorms to my boyfriends duplex in Marina del Rey. When we broke up, I moved home. When the Bio & I got serious we moved in and then 4 years later I was preggers, jilted and moving home. Not once in my entire adult like have I ever lived alone.

Wow. Holy crap. HUGE!! And, now we're back...

The on-line dating was fruitless until I fell for HSD on our first pie date (aka Hot Single Dad) and discovered what it's like to care about a Man that feels. A Man who is able to hold those emotions out in front of you so you can see them. It's been a couple of months of discovery for me. It's also getting harder. I'm not sure if it's because I'm realizing how much of my life has been spent bouncing from one Man's protective shelter to another without cause or if it's because I see the baggage for what it is. A weight that is bearing down hard on our sheltered relationship and not letting it up for oxygen, except for every Tuesday and every other Sunday. (Can you say visitation?) I'm not sure if these emotions are brought on by my realization that I'm going to occupy a space for myself (& the Monkey) on January 15th and there is no Man's name attached to it. (Okay my Dad is helping with the moving costs) Or if this is me working through something...a learning process. Some new step into the light.

My head keeps thinking back on encouragement from my friends and family...words of wisdom and stories about love and romance. I keep thinking about my parents own battle to win custody of my half-sister and the gloom the failure brought on our house. How so much love can come from tough times and struggle can breed strength. And yet every time I think about HSD and I there is still the ever present looming, BUT. HSD is struggling with his own internal battle and I'm a newbie to this uphill fight he's desperate to win. I can't expect VIP seats for the doomsday match BUT I promised I would be there if he needed me. Can I be there? Emotionally, can I handle carrying part of the weight of this baggage? Will he even ask me to be his shoulder? I hope so BUT I doubt he will.

There is so much back story to this battle of his, but it's not mine to tell...

The BUT that keeps choking me every time I talk about the pros and cons...they might kill this case or it might win it...I can't tell yet. BUT at this point I'm not sure that my New Year will include any more posts about Me with HSD romantically. I love him, I do. I love all the things we say we want together and yes my heart loves him. Is it that passionate love-me-till-you-die-love or is it that other love that shows up and teaches us new things but never stays because it's not meant to. I don't know which...I always think it's the first. The unconditional one that fights battles for the greater good of Love. And yet there is this nagging feeling that comes tonight as I write these words...maybe I'm supposed to let him do this on his own BUT I honestly don't know...

...as needed.

My life is going through a distinct amount of changes...

1. I need to find a place to live.
2. My job stress has increased
3. New relationship with wicked cool Man
4. Terrible 3's are in FULL effect
5. My Mom is finally asking for help and admitting her health isn't great
6. My Dad is having to see that he can't save us all.

There is so much more, but it's all so dwarfed in comparison to the BIG changes above. I'm learning slowly how to deal with my life and my ability to live it for me and my son but, also I'm coming to grips with the feelings I can have for another person.

Being a single parent is hard. Co-parenting is even harder. Now that I really do need to find an apartment I'm realizing how much I have depended on my parents even to this day to be my Rock and the unwavering center of my universe. They've always made it look easy. Even when they fought it seemed normal and cute and kind of fun. But now they are in need of a life of their own. Time to share and love each other and I see that now that my Dad has admitted he can't always be the one to save Us. And I understand. I love and respect my Dad and have even been proud to be a 'Daddy's Girl' but I adore him even more for being able to tell me that he can't right now be that person for me.

I'm pretty sure the Bio knows I'm moving. My house had a for sale sign in front of it for about a day until we got an offer that is sort of pending. I hate the thought of telling him and admitting that I'm going to be struggling for a while. I don't know how to do this. I don't know because the only time I've lived 'alone' was in college and that was not for long. I always had roommates or the Bio and he took care of the little things. Things I've taken for granted. Stuff I knew was going to come eventually but I've been so busy hiding from them that I didn't stop and think about how it would be.

All this combined with my Monkey finding his 'No' all over again. I wonder how this move will affect him and how We will get through this whole change. I've always been honest with him about change. I tell him the truth about everything. Even when the Bio thinks I give him too much information. How can there bee TOO much information? Kids are smart and the Monkey knows things. I give him the credit he is due. Even at 3 years old he deserves to understand and be in the loop...Hell its our Loop!

And this piece that kills me the most...my Mommy has been so good at hiding her not feeling good. She's been diagnosed with High Blood pressure and given meds to hold off the tide. My Mom is a fighter and I knew something was wrong but she's so good at keeping herself closed off and private. We share a home. She takes care of my kiddo when I'm at work and she's the only person in my life whose always been there for me. Highs and lows. She's always there. It makes me think of my grandmother who died of complications from kidney failure after 5 years of dialysis thanks to Blood pressure and Cholesterol meds...I worry about that being My Mom. The pain, the grief and the sadness...I can't let that happen to her. I won't. I will do what it takes. I will be here for her.

My Mom has been my biggest cheering section in this new relationship with HSD. She has seen me at my lowest and at my most sad. She's cleaned up after me when I've made messes to big to handle and she's been the one person who has always told me 'love is never easy'. When I started seeing HSD she was happier for me than she's ever been and she's never met him...well not yet anyway. I think the hardest part of this new relationship is that we both see it being further than it is but have found ourselves holding back because of our boys. He's not anxious to be in just any relationship but to share his life with someone and so far so good. With my need to move we've both had the same thoughts about sharing space but we know it's not yet the time for that kind of movement. And yet I can see it clear as a bell when I close my eyes and he's near...I can hear, feel and smell what it would be like. Crap even last night all I wanted as to feel him next to me and have that hand on my back searching for me in the dark.

There is a beauty about change that I have never been good about embracing...but it's coming and I hope (and pray...eek) that I can manage to trudge through it with a smile and the words to ask for help as needed.

...just a Girl...or just a Mom?

Can a woman be both once she's popped out a bundle of love?

This is not even one of those single Mama questions. Lordie knows I have zero time to get ready in the morning but is it possible to keep a streamlined girlie-ness when you have kids in your life? Okay I only have the one. But his Monkey-ness is not easy to keep wrangled when my morning routine includes more than just Wash 'n Go.

I can distinctly remember one date a few years ago when I wasn't sure I'd showered because I was beyond overwhelmed with my routine. Gross. But the honest truth. I sat there sipping my Mojito and wondering if I had actually showered...did I forget? Maybe but if it wasn't on the List 'O Stuff to Do it slipped my mind most days.

Pre-Monkey I would get up...shower, dry my long hair and then proceed to assemble the package of Me. Makeup. Hair. Ensemble. Now? Not so much. Take today for example. My hair is up...AGAIN. I'm wearing camo cargo pants that I used to wear with cute heels and now they are adorned with my ever prominent Chucks. Don't get me started on the sweater mess I've put together with random A-tank I found in the mangled underwear drawer. And it's a Friday which means I should have taken more time to get ready...Tuesdays and Thursdays I drop the Monkey at pre-k. Bah!

So to those of you who do manage to pull it off I ask...HOW THE HELL??

The Man who Feels.

**It has taken me 3 days to get this together

There are times when I'm not the looniest person in the room. But there are times when I am the only person in the room who gets what is happening. I take pride in my ability to see my surroundings for what they are and just be there. And yet there are those times when I'm the only person in the room who just doesn't get it...and never will.

Sunday was my Monkey-less day and night. I made plans. Kept myself busy. Got my hair done. Went to dinner with my Best Friend. Tried my hardest not to glance at my phone every moment I thought I heard it ding. While sharing horror dating stories and drinking some pretty darn good wine it happened...Contact. HSD made contact. My heart had hoped it would happened but my head was starting to move logic into play and this was a shock.

Three days sans contact and here it was...starring at me from the screen of my shiny new Moto phone. At first I panicked and then I went pee. My BF (Steph) helped me figure out how to respond...what to do with so little information. My head spun. My hands got sweaty. My heart hurt.

Twenty minutes later I agreed to meet him. He asked to see me. I was dying to know why. To rip into him and not let up until he felt as awful as I had for three days.

I went home and changed. I let my head be sensible and smart. I would not fall for the rantings of a jerk-off as I had with the Bio who made up excuses and weaseled his way back into my heart time-and-time again. I would be honest for me.

When I got to his house I felt something different. Panic. Pressure. Fear. Not the usual excitement and comfort I usually felt when I arrived for date nights. I wanted to cry instantly. He answered the door and what I saw in front of my eyes was like a flick between the eyes. He was not the same Man I had seen a week earlier. He was unshaven. He looked awful. He looked tormented. My head screamed at me to leave and not let him in...he would only hurt me. But I thought about what my dear friend @FeministBreeder wrote in response to my last post:

"Just keep your heart open, and go easy on yourself."

I needed to go easy on me and by the looks of him, he needed me to listen and keep my heart open. I sat down. I told him everything but not in the original planned rip-his-heart-out-so-he-can-see-it-beating-in-my-hand but in the YOU need to hear me and understand me tone that I've gotten really good as using on the Monkey. He told me the truth...he gets down (depressed) and shuts down and after my text that day he felt it was better to let it pass before he saw me or talked to me. He was sorry and he wasn't trying to hurt me. He hugged me and I knew he meant it. There wasn't that fire alarm signal going off in the back of my head like the first time the Bio pulled that on me. This Man was not pulling shit on me. He was being honest with me about something he finds has been a problem in the past.

There are times like this last week that I think that I am the only one with issues. The only one who gets sad or wants to stay at home all day in my 'jamas. I didn't ever for a minute think that this Man would be like that. Or that he would need me to be the one to tell him it's okay. I got used to being the one who was broken and looking for a Man who would be the strong survivor to make everything alright. But I am not broken. I am human. I have feelings and pitfalls and so does He. This is a lesson I never thought I'd learn and not like this.

Why do we assume that Men don't feel like this? I mean honestly, after seeing him for all these weeks and then seeing him on Sunday I felt something closer to respect for him than I've ever felt for any other Man. He put his sadness out in front of me. With the Bio I had all the alarms and bells and whistles to not believe him. He made things up. He was not truthful to protect me. He looked out for only him. This was not the same.

I stayed all night with HSD and he took care of me and I took care of him. We took care of each other and it felt normal. In the morning I felt him rollover to snooze the alarm clock and kiss me on the forehead. It was bliss in a moment that I hope we can repeat without all the tears and the flu in my noggin. On my drive home I went to the doctor...and then spent two days in bed thinking about how it felt to share one with him.

We'll see. All I can do is be here and now...and trust my heart.

When Men Leave...Me

Even with the news that The Cowboy is back and we've agreed to be 'friends' and not anything else, I can't help but wonder 'WHY ME'? I asked The Cowboy...he said he didn't really know why he picked the Country Bumpkin over me. It was a chance, an opportunity to be with someone who had left him and in the end it felt good to know that she wasn't the one. The amusing part is that I am always the one they come back to and inevitably the one who does the final dumping. I cannot ever get my head around trusting someone who left, to only come back and take me as their second choice.

Why bother? Why even come back? Just leave me be. Right?

The Men who disappear are the ones I've never cared about a week later. Take Mountain Man for example...I knew he would vanish after our conversation ended with him saying 'work hard and party hard that's my motto'. I knew in my head and in my heart that our connection was nothing and if anything his attraction to me was superficial at best. Mr. Faith took leave of me once I wigged out about him wanting to come to my son's birthday party, SO with them I knew they would go and I knew why. And it didn't bother me. I didn't cry and I didn't really waste any time with a post-mortem on either. One was 31 going on 21 and the other was recovering from his own sad rejection. Oh well.

What bothers me about Hot Single Dad vanishing like this is that it hurts my heart. My eyes are fighting back tears and I feel something remotely close to my heart breaking. I trusted him with my heart and my son. He is the ONLY man I have dated that has met the Monkey. The ONLY. It felt normal and natural and it felt good to see him with my kiddo and to see my kiddo so happy. So I begin the mourning process...because I don't know what else to do.

In the past I've found better ways to deal with the leaving process. Today I'm not doing so good. Today I fee like if I don't hear from him I will burst and cry all over everyone in the way.

So I sit here with new thoughts in my head...the Bio used to leave. Whenever the world around us got to be too much he'd vanish and that's what this reminds me of and it kills me to compare it. He'd not call for days and then show up at my door or at my work and be so sorry hurt me. I'd take him back because I was terrified of the US everyone knew not working out. Ugh. I hate this feeling and how it creates such chaos in my day.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I'm sick and sad and working towards being okay with my heart being achey...we'll see.

Broken is 'da Mama.

I stopped posting my Blog on my Facebook page via Networked Blog, even though it's nothing to be frightened of other people seeing...I just didn't want the new person in my life to see all the mushy stuff I write about him and being with him. But now I don't care. If he sees it now, I've got nothing to lose. He's MIA and over what I'm not sure. But I have a pretty good idea why. I'm a giant pain in the ass. So why am I a pain in the ass? No he didn't tell me so and in fact I haven't heard from him so I really am not sure.

Somewhere just over a month ago Hot Single Dad came into my life...yes he's Hot and yes he's a Single Dad and yes I am just not that creative sometimes. But over the first few moments with him I knew he was going to change my life...I just didn't know it would be like this.

I was anxious. Too anxious to speak with him and when he didn't meet my needs I wigged out and made it an issue. I told him via text I didn't hear from him now when I needed to talk. Yes I threw him under the bus all due to my own anxiety over telling him a story. A story that I haven't yet told anyone. I wanted him to know what I had done and only him and still do. I've not even told my BFF's or my little sister because when all this started 10 years ago I didn't let anyone in on it.

I needed him to know I picked him. I chose him over the only other man in my life that has made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and pay attention. Yes there was the FB drama but that wasn't at the forefront of my desire to communicate. Now that I've dropped the bomb here's the story...

I was 21. And along came the one I called in a old blog The Cowboy...he was from Texas. He was hot. He was sweet. He loved my ass. And he had the best hands I've ever encountered. We spent six months getting to know each other, when one day he asked me to move in. I was still working on school and young and impressionable but I really felt I was falling for this guy. The cowboy was 6 years my elder, an apprentice editor and did side work for that DVD thingy where the girls flash there boobs. The Cowboy rocked my world. At this point he was the closest thing to love I had encountered and I was terrified to lose him...we talked about it.
In the process we uncovered some huge differences...he wasn't a fan of matrimony and didn't really think he wanted kids and I had NO CLUE. We took a break. During this break his Grandma passed away and our break became two weeks apart. When he returned he called me with such sadness and urgency I hoped in my truck at 9pm on a work night and drove in a NyQuil induced haze.

That night I died inside. My Cowboy wasn't sure I was the one. He had found an old flame while drinking away his sadness post-Grandma loss and they started talking about working it out. She would be sleeping on my side of the bed. She would be sitting in my chair while watching TV. That night he told me he loved me and would forever. He promised me we would find each other again...I didn't believe him.

Almost 2 years ago and 6 years after our last meeting, he found me. Through mutual friends and a stupid social media site that shall remain nameless he found me. After much pulling at the heart strings of a mutual friend he got my number. The day he called me I left work early. The Cowboy was back. He kept his promise. But I was in a haze of confusion and regret from all the comes with being a single Mom and was having a fling with a friend. I wasn't ready for him. I was broken and not beautiful. I wasn't that young idealistic girl anymore. He still saw her but I didn't...I sent him on his way after he explained all that he needed was Me. She had left years ago and he had spent the better part of four years thinking (right). I promised him that IF in 2 years I was still single and ready, we'd give it a go...

Fast forward almost 2 years to Wednesday...he texted me...we need to have lunch, coming to get you...I already had plans, so I said coffee later...he said ok. I knew in my heart what he wanted and all I could think was, it hasn't even been 2 years! I walked to the coffee place down the street from my work and found him there. Handsome and edgy with a beanie and scruff. We talked and I told him about HSD (Hot Single Dad) and how I had to give it the ALL of me. And he asked me...Do you Love Him? I could. My response made him hang his head and shake it like you see in those crappy Lifetime movies about torn lovers...and he *sighed*. In spite of it all The Cowboy said he'd be back and rode off in his Honda back to Hollywood.

This is what I wanted to tell HSD on Wednesday when I got huffy and responded like a child to his text that he was with his friends. And then the next morning when I laid the guilt on thick for not being available to talk. Was it urgent? For me yes. I wanted to tell him that my heart is so engrossed with him and the chance we might have for happiness that I created a situation that was completely unwarranted. He told me he'd try and I stomped my texting fingers all over those words.

I chose him. I looked into the eyes of a man who I promised myself in 2 years I would be with when I was ready...again. A man I shared so much with in such a short time...and for the shot with HSD I put in on the shelf and now what?

I've put out the olive branch...I've apologized. Tonight was sort of our standing date, since the Monkey is with the Bio and now I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I miss him.

I'll live but it will not be without some kind of sadness in this heart where that Man is.

a Stinky Moment

I love smells. I used to tell the Bio I loved his stink. Without any cologne or anything he stunk so good. But he always insisted on wearing something over that fresh scent and it drove me nuts. I love the way my son's noggin has the sweetest little scent to it after a day of playing outside. I adore how clothes smell after being in the dryer with a Clean Linen dryer sheet. I could go on and on and on...there is just something about the smells around me that can make or break my moment.

With that being said...it's been forever since a Man and his smell made my heart skip and my palms get sweaty. There were days before things got really bad that I could lay in bed and just smell the Bio's side of the bed and be content with my moment. Life is funny. You don't realize you miss those kinds of things until someone brings it back in your life. When it's gone and you don't realize it's not there it's no biggie. Life moves on. I moved on. And last night when I got to HSD's house and he hugged me at the door it hit me like a ton of bricks falling at my feet. I could remember the first hug. The first time the scent was in my head and how it felt when he handed me that Rose while we nervously greeted each other pre-pie. Weeks later it has hit me. I let it in and it felt like something was clicking into place and all the little pieces that have been rattling around in my soul were trying to find where they belonged.

It's moments like those that can really shape the rest of the world for me. I'm not a girl with lofty aspirations for my relationships. I like simple. This moment was simple. It was beautiful.