There is a man in this heart...

Yesterday, was wicked cool...had lunch with my sister, then we went to watch 'New Moon' and I already had plans to see Hot Single Dad (HSD) afterwards. It was the best way to plan to spend a Monkey-less Day...these are my worst days. Most Sundays since we started the new visitation I have planned things like trips to Ikea or dedicated my time spent to cleaning & laundry. But in the last two weeks I've been introduced myself to a new way to deal with my loneliness when I am sans kiddo. I've decided to be a part of the world that is building around me, rather than hiding from it. Much of this has had to do with the appearance of HSD in my life. Since we started spending time together I have felt the desire to do things differently and not make excuses for myself.

My sister and I have not spent an almost whole day hanging out like that since...crap, I can't remember when. And the last time I saw a movie in the theater was at least a year ago. Eek! As sister's we have these great re-cap conversations that make everything feel like it used to. With all earnest and honesty I can tell her how I feel and what's really going on in my life. Fairly obvious was the fact that she was shocked as sin to hear that HSD had already met the Monkey and that I was okay with it. 23 days later I can't believe I'm here. After re-telling the story to my Baby Sis I felt the same confidence I felt when I told my best friend of 21 years and it's still frightening that I am this secure about it.

Truthfully, the best part of the women in my family is that we all love a good romance (my Mom and Tia used to collect them) and can share in the joys of it from minute one but as soon as the weather becomes stormy we know how to ride the storm and batten down for a good 'Ex' bashing. It's what our women folk do. And I love them for it. It's our strength and our weakness when it comes to men and friends. Sadly we tend to end up alone for it.

These were my thoughts as I drove to HSD's house for our Sunday Night television watching session. I tried to do the opposite of this with the Bio. I let him be there to try to fix things for me. I left myself open for emotional invasion and didn't bother to turn it off when he felt comfy with our closeness. I let him too far in. So many had complained about the walls I build. About my lack of ability to connect and just be there, so I did it different with him. Not better at all. Different was awful for me and I was left holding the bag (oh and preggers, lest not forget the Monkey came out of this pool of ugly) and wondering what I had done to myself? Last night I wondered about how to let HSD in the door without inviting him to decorate the house and then renting the wrecking ball for him, once I'd shoved him into my emotional pit of despair.

Thank G*d for therapy. I sat at the last light before I turned into his little neighborhood and for a few seconds I had flashes of the last few months with the Bio. The images made my eyes mist up and I wanted so much to drive home and hide in my head. At the end, like so many endings, I tormented myself with reasons why I had failed. Instead of driving home, I kept going...I drove to HSD's house the last few blocks and pulled up into the cul-de-sac. Without much thought I climbed out of my Cruiser and walked up to the house and rang the doorbell.

A sleepy adorable Man answered the door and I felt it again. The security I feel in my entire body when he's near and I stopped my head from letting it ruin the evening. I did it myself. I didn't panic and call my BFF in Boston and wake her up to ask her what I should do. I didn't do the girlie sulk thing and not tell him what was going on. When he asked how I was, I was honest. There was not a g-darn thing wrong and I made sure I told him I was *great* because I was (and am).

The rest of the evening, I stayed out of my head. I let it be. We watched TV, we ate ice cream, we 'cuddled'. It was just a comfy Sunday night with this Man in my life.

So this morning when I woke up alone in my bed, I felt something I'm not sure I've felt before. Calm. No panic in my heart or head. No urgent desire to do something silly to make sure he missed me. I missed him. I miss him right now. But I have work and the rest of my day to get through...life goes on and he's still a part of it.

the Birthday party.

Yesterday was filled with paranoia and over thinking...

Hot Single Dad's Little Dude turned 4 years old yesterday, and while we had talked about briefly on Saturday at the Zoo, I wasn't sure the Monkey and I were invited. I mean in my head it didn't seem like he was extending an invite, but at the same time I tend to over think the way people talk to me. My brain puts itself in hyper drive and I speed through the language looking for holes and gaps that justify my desire to run and hide.

With that being said we texted a smidge yesterday and my final decision to go came after I talked to my Co-worker (still needing good tag name for him). His theory: HSD wouldn't have mentioned it if he hadn't really wanted me and the Monkey to come. End of over thinking.

Enter me and the Monkey to the event in question. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I felt like an alien landing on another planet. Bah. He hugged me Hello and the Little Dude opened up the very cool Transformers Optimus Prime remote control Truck I got him and was super excited. Even more endearing is that my Monkey already adores Little Dude immensely. The only reason he left school before snack time was because I told him where we were going. But one of my deep-rooted fears is that we've introduced two boys who now are bonded in a way that we can't understand, and taking that away from them would be evil.

The party had dwindled down to just HSD's friends and his adopted brothers and sisters and his Mom...yes, I met his Mom. She's one of those women who is calm and collected and just seems like she's got her shiz together. I immediately liked her. His friends seemed cool but I was so preoccupied with Monkey wrangling that I barely got know them..except for base introductions and chatter.

Again, I was an alien...where did this girl come from and what was she even doing here? There was no real explanation of my appearance. We didn't get a chance to chat about anything. He was minding everyone and in an hour Little Dude was due to go back to his Mom's house. Bah.

I'm not sure I feel good about going. I'm not sure I feel like it was a good choice. I'm distracted by the fact that I feel SO much emotion for this person at this point. I adore him. I adore Little Dude and I absolutely love the way that they are together. I love the way he plays with my son even when there's tons of other things he could be doing. I love how he talks to my little Monkey and makes every effort to understand the Monkey jabber. It's great...it's awesome. But still there is fear that needs to be squished and I'll get there sooner or later.

A letter to my future H*^&#@d...

Despite my love of writing and over use of may of the English languages fun phrases, I am by no means really good at letting people into my head when I want them to be there. So after many drafts of what my therapist (yes, I see a therapist--looney in the house & if you've been with me through the last 5 years you know why I go) told me to write to the future people I want in my life aka future H*^&#@d, children, friends, parents and many more. No, it's not a dirty word but it's one of those things...for me anyway.

So instead of writing my own letter to alleged future H*^&#@d, I convinced said Wrangler of the Looney to let me pick a song...the lyrics of songs tend to speak the volumes of feelings I can't pick out just when I need them.

I've loved Joss Stone since I found one of her CD's in a Hole in the Wall record store for $0.99 somewhere in Santa Barbara and when I stuck it in the CD player in Betty Too (god rest the soul of my departed Jetta) my drive home seemed like moments rather than an hour (zoom-zoom). And so when I looked through song after song to fulfill my assignment this song made sense and it spoke volumes of how I get when things are new and scary and full of bliss.

So in the first letter that I adress to my future H*^&#@d...here is my heart on the line in these words written by a woman with a beautiful soul and forwarded on by a woman with one of the mend.


Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now (by Joss Stone)

You don't have to make your mind up
I just wanna take my time with you
If that's alright, it's alright
Oh forgive me if I get too shy but
maybe you're the reason why, love
I'm feelin' butterflies

Somethin' bout the look in your eyes
Oooh it just makes me feel so right

When my mind's void
You're my joy
You're the dream when I sleep
And hey I'm for ya yeah I adore ya
you're everything
That I need
And I love how you love me
If I'm made for you
you're made for me
It's too good to be
So tell me what we're gonna do now
Yeah tell me what we're gonna do now
yeah yeah

Funny how my world keeps spinnin'
sometimes you can be so silly
You know just how to make me laugh
Ooh, your skin is so lovely
It moves me when you touch me
I know that you got my back
It feels so safe when you hold me
It's already like you know me

Oh right now
See baby I love how you make me smile
Don't leave please stay awhile
Let's make this happen
I don't care how

The Dad Battle: Daddy's versus Father's...who are you?

As a little girl I always felt like the only person who mattered in the world was me...okay until my sister came along...but, for my parents there was nothing more important than their girls. My Dad was one of those parents who brought home special treats for dessert and cool trinkets from his travels. We were Daddy's Girls and I always thought I was so lucky to have such a wicked cool Dad. He's listen to music with us and dance around the room like a fool to whatever was on the record player, because he loved us and would do anything to see his girls smile. With all his own dysfunctional history of being raised by former military and a Midwestern school teacher my Dad never batted an eye at affection.

This kind of love is what I measure the men in my life against. The kind of Man I want to raise my children. I should've known from the first conversation (argument I should say) the Bio and I had about raising kids that this was not the kind of Man I wanted to have a child with and yet I did. Love or at least the desperation of wanting to make love last makes you see things in a distorted picturesque view.

In my last post I mentioned the idea of being a 'Daddy' versus just being a 'Father'. This is a huge topic of meaning for me as the mother of a little boy and also as the little girl of an amazing 'Daddy'.

When I was about 9 years old my half-sister magically appeared out of nowhere and came to live with us when her Mother died tragically. The short version, her parents had divorced before my Dad even knew she existed...and it was my fault. Our five year age difference made no sense to her and the fact that I was so in love with this Big Sis of mine made no sense to her already warped sensibility. Our Dad loved us all but it was not to be. Our new family fell apart and soon after my half sister went AWOL and I have no clue where she is...to this day I wish she and I could mend fences and be sisters. At least for our kids.

When I was 15, I caught my Dad crying...my Dad has one of those you don't cry in front of people attitudes and I've seen him cry all of four or five times now in my life. It was my nieces birthday and mine was coming up...I'd be 16 and she would've been 5. At that moment I didn't tell him I saw him crying, instead I told my Mom how guilty I felt for ruining my Dad's life. If it wasn't for me maybe she would still have her family. That's when my Mom told me the whole story...the divorce, how my Mom and Dad met WAY after and how on the day I came home from the hospital post-birth my Dad thanked my Mom for giving him the chance to be a real 'Daddy'. I cry every time I think about how my Dad was never given a chance to really love his first child or his first grandchild for that matter. He left for his own reasons, but his wife and the mother of his first child would not let him participate in her life and that kills me to think of the pain it caused both of them.

On my 22nd Birthday, my Dad almost died of bleeding ulcers and I told him I was sorry for everything...and he told me he was not.

Today I struggle with that desire for my son's Bio to be a Daddy just like mine...but I know he's not. He's madly in love with our son but he's not that kind of Man. Many of our battles are because he's just not that Man. He's strict and careful and has expectations that are often ridiculous of a 3-year old. But they deserve to know each other and I will always want that for them. Maybe someday he'll be comfortable in his skin enough to just be a Daddy. And yet I thank G*d that my Dad is here and present for my son daily because just like he was that Man who was my Daddy, he is that kind of Grandpa. He is the kind of Grandpa that brings so much joy to my little boy that I can't imagine what my life would be like without him in our lives.

Every kiddo deserves more than just a father...they deserve a Daddy too.

Operation Zooland

This morning, the Monkey woke me up with a start and some garbled talk about getting his lunch from home. As we got ready for a day of errands my phone dinged and I didn't even check it. So after rambling about the house and getting my giant coffee mug ready, the Monkey and I hustled upstairs to get ready for our day. Just then it dawned on me...phone dinged...duh!

My heart stopped and my head went into full panic mode. It was HSD texting to check on our (me and the Monkey's) plans for the day. Holy Jeebus! Earlier in the week he and I had talked about meeting at the park or something but I hadn't really thought it would happen. In the past I haven't ever introduced the Monkey to anyone I've gone out with...unless they were already friends and had been around before. Big giant step for Mama. And we had both admitted that dating as a single parent to a toddler/preschooler is not easy. People have over blown expectations that babysitters grow (and get paid) on trees or that I'm somehow happy to escape my little boy to spend an evening listening to singles bitch about being single. As If.

But we did it...we made plans to drive South to the LA Zoo with two boys in tow. His almost 4 year old and my 3 year old. I with my more sensible vehicle would drive. Oh boy.

The arrival at HSD's house was filled with the chaos of my brain working through the minor details of how we would act around our boys? Would he try to kiss me or hug or how would we act? We hadn't exactly hammered out those details. Bah. He acted like I hoped he would in front of our boys who are the WORLD to both of us...like friends. He hugged me, a slight sideways hug 'hello' and that was our greeting. It made that moment of panic and fear hang for just a second and stop in its tracks. This was us, spending a few hours with our boys to see IF we were who we wanted in our lives. Today was the parental test that I've never given anyone before because they had never earned it prior to this man in my life today...umm, three weeks later.

So the day at the Zoo was amazing...HSD rented a double stroller and the boys shared it happily, he bought us lunch, we snuck holding hands behind our backs, he kissed my forehead more times than I could count, the boys raced around the park together and when it was time to head home his son asked me if we could please stay at their house to play. We did. There was a calm about our late afternoon that felt normal...with no chance of a nap for anyone, looming on the horizon we watched UP, then played outside with the neighborhood kids in the cul-de-sac and finished it off with pizza and Toy Story 2...and then home for me and the Monkey. Bliss.

Here I am full of emotions I didn't think I could feel about someone at all. He's an amazing Daddy, not just a father but a Daddy (just thought about another post I need to write) to his son and you can feel the love surging between them. This man held my Monkey's hand while crossing the street and I walked a few steps behind to see this image I had only dared to dream in my head while he walked with our boys. When the Monkey spilled chocolate milk in my car, he grabbed it up quickly and told him 'accidents happen little man' and they agreed they would clean it up when we got home. And then held it for him the rest of the car ride. My son told me his son was the coolest in the smallest whisper when no one was looking. While standing there listening to Howler Monkeys screech I heard it in my head...YOU CAN DO THIS. The piercing sounds of my head freaking out about this day were drowned out by the calm I feel in this man's presence. Then moments later at the park in the Zoo he stood behind me with his hand on my back and it felt right.

My last three posts have been about wondering if it makes sense to let someone into my life so quickly, it never dawned on me that this would also include my Monkey too. I figured that after months of dating someone we'd engage the kiddo factor and move on from there. But, HSD has no fear of this and today showed me why. He's ready for me to be here and now in his life and he embraces my having a kiddo too. He wants to love someone and be loved and have someone love his son without conditions. This man is looking for a future and it doesn't matter to him what the time frame is or how it happens because he knows what he wants and it was clear to me today...that person is me.

Now, I know me. I will not cease to freak out at the smallest twinge of scary and I will continue to question whether I deserve this or not and if he really wants me. The fact of the matter is that right now in this moment of clarity I see it and I want it too. And this frightened little girl who let her heart be kept on a string by someone who didn't deserve it, will not let that happen again...ever.

On my Day with Daddy we went to...

...the Gym apparently.

The Monkey has new visitation with his Bio as of a several weeks ago and we just started overnights every other Sunday...so far the nights are fine...it's the day after that makes me cringe and often cry.

Yesterday the Monkey asked me if we could get ready to do exercises...I was sort of baffled since I'm not really the let's go do exercises kind of Mommy. After a few requests to go, I had to ask...'Monkey when do you go do exercises?'...the answer...'Daddy takes me to the exercise store'.

At first I laughed it off and thought no big deal. How he chooses to spend his time with his child is not my business. It's his time. So a few moments later before bedtime I started thinking about the single Dad's in my life and the conversations we've had about time and how precious it is. One of my co-workers (still need a good tag name for him) and fellow single parents and I have chatted about this very topic.

Then enter my new dating guy HSD and his visitation views. He has his son (4 yr. old next week) from Thursday night to Monday morning every other weekend. As we chatted about when we'd get to see each other next I said something about letting me know when he was available...knowing full well he was with kiddo this weekend. I adored his response...'I'm booked until Monday, but maybe we could meet at the park'. Okay so here's how the rest went...he feels that every moment he gets with his son is awesome and he needs to dedicate more time to him than to anything else (Me) and he just hopes I understand.

Do I understand? HELLS YEA!!!

As a single Mama who has spent more time ditching guys and/or being ditched by them because this is the stand I take on my son, I completely love this side of him. (not like LOVE but you know appreciate). I adore when a man with children (married or single) knows how good he has it to have them in his life and appreciates that gift. So I drift to thoughts of the Bio and how the Monkey explains his day with his Bio and it makes me flame up...but again nada I can do about it.

So, I'm wondering fellow Single Mama's and Papa's...how do you keep the flames out of your noggin when your kiddo comes back a whole different animal?

Married in 90 Days?

With all the dating nonsense that's been going on and all the emotions that flow out of my mind daily I decided I needed an honest 'Mom Talk'. My Mom and I (and my sister) have always been close, even when we all want to kill each other for silly girlie things. SO whenever I'm angsty about stuff I usually give in and ask my Mom for her advice...or at least to listen to me blabber. So yesterday while waiting for the Monkey to get home from his overnight with the Bio, I did it. I talked to my Mom about my current love dilemma.


Back Story on the Parental Units:

My Mom and Dad have been married for somewhere around 32 years, no one is really sure because there is no proof. As in proof, I mean goopy 70's wedding photos, no dress and matching Go-Go Boots to pass down or certificate with said date of marriage. As a kid I used to revel in the idea of being a true 'love child' but alas my Mom one day got so upset at my daydreaming that she ripped me a new one about it. I think I was 18. The circumstances around their nuptials have the makings of a great love song or a really sappy movie. Two star-crossed loves who jumped on a plane to Vegas and tied the knot because no one thought they would do it. No one believed it would last. Neither of their parental units gave their blessings and most family members saw my Dad as a crazy Hippy dude who wore no undies (even his parents...seriously). But my Mom adored him and she still does. My parents got married within 90 days of knowing each other.


Their story always made me so proud as a kiddo. My parents put aside so many differences to be together...cultural and otherwise. And in spite of many up hill battles that I wasn't aware of until I was older they have stuck it out and with so much seriousness in her tone my Mom admits she'd do it the same over and over again.

So her take on my current situation? To paraphrase her thoughts...

My Mom believes that love comes when you least expect it and that even if you fall in love with twenty people there is one person out there who is meant for you and only you. Sometimes people are lucky enough to find that person yet, sadly many do not. Her notions were that if someone is looking at me and my heart and truly wants to be with ME than how can that be wrong? Unless of course I think he's a 'diptard' (her using my words) and want nothing to do with him. And yet after we got through all the back and forth questions she told me not to be afraid and to just live in my moment because that's what is important.

Food for thought...right?

Of course...so I sat on this one all night and didn't get much sleep while thinking about how it felt to be told by someone that all he wants is to get to know me honestly without interruption. Can that be wrong? Not that I see myself getting married in 90 days, but I think fear interrupts so much of my life daily that I can't let myself be afraid of this...can I

It felt like home to me.

So five days after our 1st date and lots more talking and texting, we both admitted five whole days felt too long. He said it out loud and I agreed.

I drove to his house to meet him for dinner since my day was just to scattered to come to focus and be ready at my house...plus my hair appointment ran over and technically I was late. HSD was waiting for me, with a post nap crankiness that was just too adorable. Having had fallen asleep waiting for me I skipped the explanation about the hair, it would have not been polite to admit I chose highlights over him. While I sat on his couch waiting for him to pick a shirt I starred at the train set in the living room, the same exact one my Monkey has and it felt like home. That's when I shuddered and freaked and started to think about 'rushing' it and began my deep breathing to move away from the thoughts that we'd need a bigger house for both the boys. Whoa. Brain freeze.

After his shirt dilemma was solved we hopped in his car, which was tough for me in a skirt being that it had rollbars and was outfitted more for racing than for street driving. I let it slide. I love fast cars. Once at the restaurant we had the usual 2nd date chatter about our families and our friends and the dream vacations we want to take with our kids...and he did it again he said he couldn't imagine going another week without seeing me. I've not held hands across a table at a food joint in years. Not since I told the Bio I was preggers for the record. He shared personal things with me and I felt like I could tell him anything and he'd get it.

Post dinner plans were to play Blacklight Mini Golf but those were scrapped when we agreed we just wanted to get to know each other. We rented a crappy movie and spent the rest of the evening chatting and having our 1st and many other kisses. He told me he felt weird saying it so soon but he was sure he didn't want to see anyone else and asked me not to either...this sparked a LONG talk.

The bottom line for him...he doesn't see dating more than one person as productive. And something was telling him that I was going to change his life for good. He told me he knew it when he saw me in person for the first time.

The bottom line for me...I have spent the last 8 months recovering from my fear of being hurt and giving that power to a man. Especially after being hurt by the Douche Bag and his I don't really have a girlfriend speeches. Finally I've come up with the strength to live and let go for real. I think I proved that to myself with the Mtn. Man. And now here's this man who is tossing me his heart and his feelings are right out there...so what do I do?

Of course I had to be honest. My heart says stop here and just see what happens. It couldn't hurt, could it? Well as a matter of fact it could hurt...really BAD. But is being afraid of risk taking worth losing out on what could be something awesome? This optimist who has taken up residence in my head, has to say...NOPE. Love is hard and ugly and painful and if this is a chance to be loved than I will take it with both hands open and if I get hurt then I will rise above that too. Before the night was done I told him I would try to the best of my ability to let my heart be there. And I will. I owe myself that.

As for the rest of the date...I fell asleep watching the lame movie in his arms on his couch and yeah it felt like home in that moment to me. Until he woke me up and I left...but I won't mind going back.

1st Dates Freak Me Out.

After my crash and burn adventure with Mountain Man and with much encouragement from my co-worker and BFF, I decided to browse the dating sites again. Feeling burned by Chemistry.com for sending me someone fickle enough to disappear I jumped back on the eHarmony bandwagon. (Mostly due to a reduced rate for re-up) And started browsing. I sorted through the bazillion matches and checked out all the lame ducks sitting in a row on the page and felt my heart sink...AGAIN, nothing that made my heart skip a beat or even sparked my interest. Was it because I was kind of still bummed about Mtn. Man going MIA or was it because I was just not that into any of them? After a thought provoking "WoW Factor" conversation with @MommaSunshine on DM via Twitter, I decided that my heart would know when he was there and would somehow let me know.


October 28th...a Thursday...he appeared on my list of 5 matches and I immediately felt that pang in my chest. He looked like the kind of guy I swore of years ago...tattoos on his arm, too good looking and in my head I thought about every punk rock, hard rock and emo rocker wanna-be, I'd ever dated in college. The one break I had from the Bio was my four years of college and how I'd packed in every single heart breaker my schools had to offer and how awful I felt after every one of them moved onto the next groupie type girl with Bettie Paige bangs and fishnet stockings. (Side Note: Whole other blog post, but yes I did dig the boys in the band) And to be honest I'm not that girl anymore. While I still adore my black eyeliner, I have learned moderation is best and the thought of that girl in Converse and too short skirts makes me smile now and then, but she's not me today.

Soooo, after many glances at his dating profile and the deep pounding of my head between my ears I hit him up for the steps. Dating sites like eHarmony and Chemistry remind me of other step type programs. Finish these steps and you might earn the keys to the palace of serenity...or you might not. Either way you're left feeling accomplished and somewhat deflated if it doesn't go as planned. We zipped through said 'steps' and made it to the part where you get to email openly and freak each other out with stale questions and stupid answers...but instead he sent me his personal email. Refreshing to say the least and right to the point. By the end of Halloween weekend we were ready for our 1st date. It felt like weeks of talking had passed by the time we got to texting that following Monday...not just a few days.

1st dates freak me out. I always go buy a new outfit and often return them if the date is bad so I don't have to be reminded of the crappy night. His proposal was to meet up for Pie. Since I don't live very close to the trendy part of Los Angeles County that I'm used to we selected Marie Callendar's in our booming surburb and made the date. I started to wonder about the 'WoW Factor', does that sort of thing show up on 1st dates? Is it reserved for when you've already spent time getting to know someone? So when I walked up to the Pie Joint and I saw him through the window I felt something in my chest sort of sigh for me. I hadn't even seen his face yet and something deep in my soul was already boiling over with curiousity. Is this him?

I never felt this with Mtn Man. He was different, sure but he was showing me a new way to be treated. Listened to and looked after and made the center of attention. But even I had reservations about HOW I really felt towards him. There was never that 'WoW' in our meeting...it wasn't until we'd spent hours talking that I decided to give him a shot and we all know how that ended.

Our 1st date was awesome...

• single Dad
• loves his kiddo more than anything
• great eyes
• dedicated to his work and providing for his little guy
• sees his Grandma every weekend.
• moved to my hood to be closer to his kiddo
• we like mostly the same music

For now I reserve the right to keep him...Not sure where this will go or how this will play out...but, my heart and my head need to connect at some point...

Another one bites the dust...

Not that I was expecting miracles or wedding bells from Mountain Man but my heart had hope. He was kind and generous when we were together. Coming up with really great things to do with our time together. After my dating fail with Mr. Faith this was big for me. We were on some level connecting and learning about each other in a way that I hadn't ever experienced. We talked about everything and it was for the 3 months...awesome.

On Friday I declared it over. Done. Kaput. Finished. Poof. Yuck.

The long and short of it...he went MIA for two weeks. We talked two days before my birthday, he texted me on my birthday and then nada. I was in contact to try to confirm our plans to celebrate my birthday the following week and NADA. No text. No phone call. Nothing. Not even a gosh darn smoke signal from Reno.

Alright, so I'm not all heartbroken or wallowing in the depths of despair over this semi-relationship ending. After all this was kind of a one-sided ending and I'm not even sure he knows it's over. But, at this point I'm feeling some kind of strange hypnotic power. I think they call it independence (?).

In my relationship with the Bio I was always waiting...waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to call, waiting for him to get off work, waiting for him to grow up and be present in our life together...lots of wating. You get the point. And, I got nothing from it. Just a broken heart and tons of time spent feeling like I was fighting the good fight for two. When really I just needed to be fighting the good fight for ME. I forget about me in most of my relationships with people in general.

I'm a giver. My best friend teases me that as soon as I get into something with someone I check myself at the door. Well not this time, kids. My heart will not be broken by some lame jerk-off who doesn't have the balls to tell me if he's just 'over it' and I will not spend the next 14 days in my 'jamas eating salty foods and pints of ice cream while I mend from the whole ordeal.

I'm done. To quote my pal @laprimera 'Next!'. W00T!!