Even with the news that The Cowboy is back and we've agreed to be 'friends' and not anything else, I can't help but wonder 'WHY ME'? I asked The Cowboy...he said he didn't really know why he picked the Country Bumpkin over me. It was a chance, an opportunity to be with someone who had left him and in the end it felt good to know that she wasn't the one. The amusing part is that I am always the one they come back to and inevitably the one who does the final dumping. I cannot ever get my head around trusting someone who left, to only come back and take me as their second choice.
Why bother? Why even come back? Just leave me be. Right?
The Men who disappear are the ones I've never cared about a week later. Take Mountain Man for example...I knew he would vanish after our conversation ended with him saying 'work hard and party hard that's my motto'. I knew in my head and in my heart that our connection was nothing and if anything his attraction to me was superficial at best. Mr. Faith took leave of me once I wigged out about him wanting to come to my son's birthday party, SO with them I knew they would go and I knew why. And it didn't bother me. I didn't cry and I didn't really waste any time with a post-mortem on either. One was 31 going on 21 and the other was recovering from his own sad rejection. Oh well.
What bothers me about Hot Single Dad vanishing like this is that it hurts my heart. My eyes are fighting back tears and I feel something remotely close to my heart breaking. I trusted him with my heart and my son. He is the ONLY man I have dated that has met the Monkey. The ONLY. It felt normal and natural and it felt good to see him with my kiddo and to see my kiddo so happy. So I begin the mourning process...because I don't know what else to do.
In the past I've found better ways to deal with the leaving process. Today I'm not doing so good. Today I fee like if I don't hear from him I will burst and cry all over everyone in the way.
So I sit here with new thoughts in my head...the Bio used to leave. Whenever the world around us got to be too much he'd vanish and that's what this reminds me of and it kills me to compare it. He'd not call for days and then show up at my door or at my work and be so sorry hurt me. I'd take him back because I was terrified of the US everyone knew not working out. Ugh. I hate this feeling and how it creates such chaos in my day.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I'm sick and sad and working towards being okay with my heart being achey...we'll see.
4 comments:
Aww...I am sad for you! I had hopes for HSD too, for you, and having the heart ache can't be any fun...I'm thinking of you tonight!!
Thanks, Jolene! I'm going to hang out with a friend tonight...so I won't be alone with ME.
I'm no expert but in my personal experience I feel comfortable saying that The One won't get scared off so easily. I can tell you that I gave my husband a thousand reasons to jump ship both BEFORE we actually started dating, and for at least the first 2 years we were together. I was scared of a relationship with him, so I didn't go out of my way to keep him around. But he stuck anyway. And he still sticks. He knew he wanted me, and my little freak outs and head trips weren't going to shake him.
That doesn't mean that any of us are perfect and that we don't give people very valid reasons to shove off and leave our asses, but I think The One is the person who sees through these things, to the real you, and loves you exactly for that.
And you've heard plenty of my single drama through song - so you know I didn't happen upon love so easily. But it will happen. Just keep your heart open, and go easy on yourself.
Gina- Thank you for being so honest with sharing your experience. I know 'The One' would/will not be afraid of me and who I am deep in my heart and my soul. So I'm keeping my heart open and just going to keep being me.
p.s. your songs have helped me get through some interesting moments of angst. Thank you.
Post a Comment