the BUT might have it.

In May of this year, I started on-line dating. After much thought (and kicking and screaming) I threw in the towel and decided I wasn't going to meet my Unconditional sitting on the fence between my old life and the one I've been trying to live for the past 4 years. I signed up for like every friggin' site...free, not free and some I don't remember. I moved away from thinking that being a Single Mama was it for me....I decided to move towards letting love in. I moved forward.

And this brings me around to another move I'm having to make for the greater good of the unit, Me & the Monkey (& the Parental Units)...I found a home for the Monkey and I. It will eat up most of my monthly income and not leave much for extras but my Parents deserve to retire from raising Me and I need to create my own space. It dawned on me while deciding to lease this tiny and adorable townhouse that I have NEVER lived on my own. EVER...

When I was 21 I finally went away to college...single and away. When I was 22 I went from the dorms to my boyfriends duplex in Marina del Rey. When we broke up, I moved home. When the Bio & I got serious we moved in and then 4 years later I was preggers, jilted and moving home. Not once in my entire adult like have I ever lived alone.

Wow. Holy crap. HUGE!! And, now we're back...

The on-line dating was fruitless until I fell for HSD on our first pie date (aka Hot Single Dad) and discovered what it's like to care about a Man that feels. A Man who is able to hold those emotions out in front of you so you can see them. It's been a couple of months of discovery for me. It's also getting harder. I'm not sure if it's because I'm realizing how much of my life has been spent bouncing from one Man's protective shelter to another without cause or if it's because I see the baggage for what it is. A weight that is bearing down hard on our sheltered relationship and not letting it up for oxygen, except for every Tuesday and every other Sunday. (Can you say visitation?) I'm not sure if these emotions are brought on by my realization that I'm going to occupy a space for myself (& the Monkey) on January 15th and there is no Man's name attached to it. (Okay my Dad is helping with the moving costs) Or if this is me working through something...a learning process. Some new step into the light.

My head keeps thinking back on encouragement from my friends and family...words of wisdom and stories about love and romance. I keep thinking about my parents own battle to win custody of my half-sister and the gloom the failure brought on our house. How so much love can come from tough times and struggle can breed strength. And yet every time I think about HSD and I there is still the ever present looming, BUT. HSD is struggling with his own internal battle and I'm a newbie to this uphill fight he's desperate to win. I can't expect VIP seats for the doomsday match BUT I promised I would be there if he needed me. Can I be there? Emotionally, can I handle carrying part of the weight of this baggage? Will he even ask me to be his shoulder? I hope so BUT I doubt he will.

There is so much back story to this battle of his, but it's not mine to tell...

The BUT that keeps choking me every time I talk about the pros and cons...they might kill this case or it might win it...I can't tell yet. BUT at this point I'm not sure that my New Year will include any more posts about Me with HSD romantically. I love him, I do. I love all the things we say we want together and yes my heart loves him. Is it that passionate love-me-till-you-die-love or is it that other love that shows up and teaches us new things but never stays because it's not meant to. I don't know which...I always think it's the first. The unconditional one that fights battles for the greater good of Love. And yet there is this nagging feeling that comes tonight as I write these words...maybe I'm supposed to let him do this on his own BUT I honestly don't know...