...as needed.

My life is going through a distinct amount of changes...

1. I need to find a place to live.
2. My job stress has increased
3. New relationship with wicked cool Man
4. Terrible 3's are in FULL effect
5. My Mom is finally asking for help and admitting her health isn't great
6. My Dad is having to see that he can't save us all.

There is so much more, but it's all so dwarfed in comparison to the BIG changes above. I'm learning slowly how to deal with my life and my ability to live it for me and my son but, also I'm coming to grips with the feelings I can have for another person.

Being a single parent is hard. Co-parenting is even harder. Now that I really do need to find an apartment I'm realizing how much I have depended on my parents even to this day to be my Rock and the unwavering center of my universe. They've always made it look easy. Even when they fought it seemed normal and cute and kind of fun. But now they are in need of a life of their own. Time to share and love each other and I see that now that my Dad has admitted he can't always be the one to save Us. And I understand. I love and respect my Dad and have even been proud to be a 'Daddy's Girl' but I adore him even more for being able to tell me that he can't right now be that person for me.

I'm pretty sure the Bio knows I'm moving. My house had a for sale sign in front of it for about a day until we got an offer that is sort of pending. I hate the thought of telling him and admitting that I'm going to be struggling for a while. I don't know how to do this. I don't know because the only time I've lived 'alone' was in college and that was not for long. I always had roommates or the Bio and he took care of the little things. Things I've taken for granted. Stuff I knew was going to come eventually but I've been so busy hiding from them that I didn't stop and think about how it would be.

All this combined with my Monkey finding his 'No' all over again. I wonder how this move will affect him and how We will get through this whole change. I've always been honest with him about change. I tell him the truth about everything. Even when the Bio thinks I give him too much information. How can there bee TOO much information? Kids are smart and the Monkey knows things. I give him the credit he is due. Even at 3 years old he deserves to understand and be in the loop...Hell its our Loop!

And this piece that kills me the most...my Mommy has been so good at hiding her not feeling good. She's been diagnosed with High Blood pressure and given meds to hold off the tide. My Mom is a fighter and I knew something was wrong but she's so good at keeping herself closed off and private. We share a home. She takes care of my kiddo when I'm at work and she's the only person in my life whose always been there for me. Highs and lows. She's always there. It makes me think of my grandmother who died of complications from kidney failure after 5 years of dialysis thanks to Blood pressure and Cholesterol meds...I worry about that being My Mom. The pain, the grief and the sadness...I can't let that happen to her. I won't. I will do what it takes. I will be here for her.

My Mom has been my biggest cheering section in this new relationship with HSD. She has seen me at my lowest and at my most sad. She's cleaned up after me when I've made messes to big to handle and she's been the one person who has always told me 'love is never easy'. When I started seeing HSD she was happier for me than she's ever been and she's never met him...well not yet anyway. I think the hardest part of this new relationship is that we both see it being further than it is but have found ourselves holding back because of our boys. He's not anxious to be in just any relationship but to share his life with someone and so far so good. With my need to move we've both had the same thoughts about sharing space but we know it's not yet the time for that kind of movement. And yet I can see it clear as a bell when I close my eyes and he's near...I can hear, feel and smell what it would be like. Crap even last night all I wanted as to feel him next to me and have that hand on my back searching for me in the dark.

There is a beauty about change that I have never been good about embracing...but it's coming and I hope (and pray...eek) that I can manage to trudge through it with a smile and the words to ask for help as needed.