Exchanging the details of our kiddos...age, rank and serial number...we started chatting. About 3-Year olds, early Saturdays and living in the SCV. Then she asked where his Dad was...since he came last time. And so the beginning of the Single Mama divulge session began. In about ten seconds, I was able to apprise her of the whole dirty story in two short sentences...'Not sure. We aren't together.' Then came the knowing glance, not sympathy or the 'OH' Look I sometimes get, but more along the lines of 'I feel ya sister'.
Then she said it...'Even with a husband I feel like a Single Mom'. Jeepers. A can of worms I opened. She asked me questions...
- When did you leave?
- Why did you leave?
- How did you feel?
- Has it impacted your Monkey?
- What would you change?
- How did you make it through?
As overwhelming as it was, I saw in her eyes the wildness I felt in my heart when I was still with the Bio. I could hear the wheels in her head turning and it made me want to hug her and say outloud, 'YOU will be OKAY'. So I did. I told her 'It will be okay' and 'I am here if you need someone to talk'. Words no one said to me in the depths of my confusion and despair.
Not every relationship that experiences strangely timed hiatus periods ends in divorce. There are people I know have fought tooth and nail to keep their marriages/relationships together. Bloody knuckles and all I finally couldn't do it anymore. I tried. I held on tight until the last thread in our relationship rope was dwindled to nothing. This is not new. Mama's (and Papa's) have been living this for decades...fighting the good fight until no one is left standing.
I wonder...How many people find themselves being that person in a marriage (or non-marriage)? Being the Single Parent until actually being a Single Parent is what makes more sense.
Thoughts? Experience?
TheFeministBreeder
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4 comments:
This is a very familiar story with us single moms, huh. I've always told my own sisters that they're virtually single mothers, so why not make it official (though they're not married -- they are co-habitating w/ the "baby daddy's") ... I for one could not handle it! I took my baby boy and exited stage left when he was 6 months old ... I made a decision: I said, stay and be miserable or leave now when the baby still think his toy bear is a real entity! So I acted! Fast! It's easier when you have family as I did ... I think ppl get stuck and don't want to deviate from their plan. I think that's a good idea for certain aspects of life. I honestly cannot stand my "Bio" and while I don't necessary stand on a soapbox and convey that to my son, I also don't make him think that his father is one of my good friends. Having grown up like this, it's all he knows and he's an extremely well-adjusted baby. I can only hope this remains throughout his life.
I can so relate to that mom who sat next to you! I am a single mom, the problem the bio dad is my roomate....and I feel lonely. thanks for your blog!!!
This was me for the 22 years I was married. He never had to change a diaper, I breast-fed so he never had to tend to a hungry baby in the middle of the night, he never stayed up all night with a sick and vomiting child. Hell, he could not even tend to his own children, I took all of them on every errand I ran, he never took them with him, despite their pleading to go. He refered to me asking to look after the kids as "baby-sitting"; WTF?! you dont baby-sit you own kids. I could go on and on. It took me 22 years to leave because I was constantly told I could never make it on my own. And being that I was married at 19 (went straight from my parents house to being a mom at age 20) I was inclined to believe him. Like I say I could go on....but I wont....phew sorry to take up so much room...struck a nerve I guess.
Thanks for sharing Mama's. I think it's amazing how at different points in our lives we opened our eyes to see what was really there. A beautiful family with willing participants, it's just sad that the father's aren't always a part of that equation.
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